Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Much More Elegant Than a Flaming Sack of Shit.

So let's hypothetically say that AMB and I got into a feud with our hyper-religious* neighbor, based on the fact that he thinks we are wholly immoral degenerates because he has, on occasion, seen us drink alcoholic beverages on our deck**. Perhaps it's the alcohol, perhaps he is against decks, or perhaps he just doesn't like us. Either way, a grudge match has ensued.

Whatever shall we do?

Luckily, the folks over at FecalGram have just the solution. They will send anyone in America a gift box containing "100% natural, freshly squeezed, human-made turds***"...and do it completely anonymously. Guaranteed.

Poop flinging has evolved!


* Typical greeting goes something like this:
Overtly Religious Neighbor: "Hello! How are you?"
Unsuspecting Victim of Walk-by Preaching: "Good, you?"
Overtly Religious Neighbor: "Wonderful! I'm saved and am going to heaven! Can you say the same?"

** Also, one time I may have hypothetically laid out in my backyard in my bikini while he had the youth group from his church over painting his house and fixing the roof. However, to be fair to me and to balance out a story that makes me sound like the neighborhood floozie, I was already laying out when they came over, AND we have a six-foot privacy fence around our backyard. I really didn't expect to have a group of fifteen year olds oogling me from the roof next door.

*** By "turd," they mean a hand-made turd replica made of flour, water, and salt.

38 comments:

Robert said...

While I am a right-wing Christian, I've always disliked the militant proselitezers. I think it does more harm than good. Tell them, yes, but try not to beat someone into submission.

Charlie Mc said...

loved this post! i am still laughing....

Funny, I wrote a post about religion this morning and it sparked LOTS of controversy! :)

Geekbird said...

shit-o-grams...sweet!

Sirius Green said...

I wondered who kept sending those!

echrai said...

While all my co-workers, soon-to-be-ex-roommate, ex-husband, and others don't appreciate you exposing me to that site, THANK YOU! :)

freakyvirgin said...

dddooooooo iiittttt!!!!! thats fantastic

*~BendersGurl~* said...

*LMAO* HAHAHAHA sounds like something I would do.. in other words... GO FOR IT!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

thanks for your comment :o)

freakyvirgin said...

i just read one of your old posts....I LOVE MAY I!!! no i know even knows what that game is except for a few awesome people

Mac said...

On the "stupid Fundagelical Tricks" checkout Malraux's

http://whitechocolatejesus.blogspot.com/2005/05/stupid-funda-gelical-tricks-part-37.html

He gets some fun hate mail too.

King Nate Unknown said...

Send the God Squad freak a double helping! When I was in college I leveled with one of them who was trying to convert me...I said, "Look, before you waste your time I'm a Jew, and Jews think Jesus was a swell guy, but he aint my savior." The guy just looked at me like I told him the moon was going to crash into the earth...and then walked away.

The Ruler said...

This is God

Yeah, those religious types do tend to suck so much it's ridiculous. Why is it that they think they’ve got all the answers? But then again – it takes all kinds. Keep wearing your bikini lass… and if Mister Zealot gets all iffy again, just let him know God sent you. That usually does the trick.

This was God

TrueJerseyGirl said...

Great! Now I know what to send my nemesis for Christmas this year!

Thanks for visiting my blog - come back any time!

Maugham Malraux said...

Yeah listen to The Ruler. He has final say.

In the meantime..check this out!

http://www.smellypoop.com/

DHY said...

I would have gladly sent him real shit.

Cajun food + Ulcers + Alcoholism = FUN IN A BOX

(squared)

Polly Prissy-Pants said...

That's badass, I am going to get one of those sent to my ex-roomie. As a housewarming gift of course!

Tim said...

God loves poop flinging.

kate said...

I am knew to your blog and have found myself totally addicted. This cracked me up.

johnny six fingers said...

i must say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being considered an immoral degenerate. If anything you should be one just out of simple purpose, we must collectively show these fucking tight wads that life is an absurd coincidence that happily allows us the freedom to do things like act like the useless assholes that we are. I mean for me, if there is a god, then I'm gonna make sure that the bastard got to laugh its ass off while watching my ever so insignificant life be wasted into a pot of drug and alcohol laced shit. Speaking of which you should totally put just the littlest amount of turd underneath the door handle of the guy's car, that's super funny, then he gets shithands!!

TRES CEE said...

I sort of like your provacative nature and the word fecalgram is resourceful as well as low key shock value, and it is positively comically full filling, like you are really pretty too if that is your picture in the profile, you are also breathtaking and i am breathless no i will breath again and again, just to express your beauty, wanted to say, these things, and I kinda like your person and personality, have good day enjoy your web [age, bye now, geencee 32@ C'lay,

TRES CEE said...

I will bet that having been a former religious fanatic and having discovered the hypocracy of a whole choir and large group in church so called evangelical that are also lyars, i say, Viva Lora, is that your name, I say I would enjoy thoroughly checking out your physique, I will bet you may look like their floozy, you would turn this old man on and I would not perhaps attract you but I would love to look anyway, You are a Beauty, and don't let them bother you, if you have children you are more Obedient many times then the So called Evangelical Christians and Judah of Son of Israel, found out that He was not as Righteous as Tamar when She had a child by him in falsely representing herself \as a prostitute in order to have a child by him because he witheld his son from her which He was supposed and had promised to give her, and he said, You are MOre Righteous then I, admitting His Sin of Withholding his Son from Her, as Commanded by the Custom and The Law of the Lord. SInce he had Promised her a Son,

Steph said...

The funniest part of that story to me, is that if he's going to take his youth group to do any kind of community service, why not have them do something that matters, instead of something so self-serving as painting and fixing his OWN house!

JRae said...

Hilarious! LOVE the Fecal Gram. Esp. LOVE that you're going to send it to an annoying religious nut. DO IT. And tell us his response.

BTW, what in the HELL is up with Tres Cee's crazy inane ramblings?!! I'm scared.

Lord Chimmy said...

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Repeat that to his ass then bust a cap in him correctly ala Jules Winnfield.

boabhan sith said...

This is awesome. You know my little sister, Smokey Smurf and I were looking at the fecal gram site just a few weeks ago...we have some people in mind. LOL

Until Smokey Smurf had showed me that...I had no idea that it existed. I am glad that it does...I'm too old to light a bag of poo, ring the bell, and run.

Thanks for visiting my site!

Derek said...

I love it shit in a box........ sounds like this guy could actually use a pocket pal or something let the fornacating begin

mcgibfried said...

should i be offended that all my hyper-religious neighbors don't try and save me?

Shawn said...

Hmmm... Overtly Religious Neighbor (O.R.N.)... Is this where the word ornery came from?

That guy reminds me of a bumper sticker a guy I used to work with had... 'Jesus loves you -- but I don't know why'

marybishop said...

I lived in Alabama and it was Easter time and numerous strangers kept knocking on my door to give me a free Jesus video (I had accepted the first 3 or 4 thinking I might be able to tape over them.)

One night the doorbell rang and there was my extremely religious neighbor (as opposed to my very religious neighbors) with yet another Jesus video in her hand:

I said: Look I am totally Jesused out...

I was the talk of the neighborhood after that...great post!

Jennifer said...

Darn, they don't ship to Canada. Guess my ex has lucked out again.

Dave Morris said...

If they're not intended for human consumption, why do they add salt??

Sounds like a shitty deal.

Walking Wounded said...

Hey, flour, water and salt? That's Play Doe! Yeah, the shit is not meant to be edible but if kids happen to scoff some down all they will get is bad runs since doe is non-toxic. That means if someone really wanted to gross someone out, like say the Jehovah's Witnesses next time they come around, you could greet them at the door eating your own shit (play doe). They should leave pretty quick after that!

Peace.

Mac said...

Fun stuff except Tres Cee is scaring me.

Mac said...

Ha! I just saw Jrae!

Yes...he is scary.

Stephania said...

last weekend in boston this weird liek homeless guy i see often on the street handed me a comic book titled "where do you wnat to spend eternity?". it showed pictures of like muslims burning in hell fire.

which isn't cool because my best friend's a muslim. and she's flyyy.

fuckers.

NYPinTA said...

I've been lucky on the 'religious zealot' front. But that's either because people recognize my inherent divinity or everyone in NY are 'wholly immoral degenerates' and we just can't be bothered to try and convert each other. *shrugs* But I'm making a list of people that need a little mail anyhow. *evil grin*

The Muse said...

AMG - You've been tagged!

Paladin said...

Yeesh.

You know- some effective strategies in dealing with this kind of person is to seperate the religious stuff from the neigbor aspect, and respond nicely to the nice neighbor while either ignoring the religious stuff or asking politely (at a good time) to please knock it off.

You might also try inviting a religious friend/relative over to act as a go between... you know, cue them to take ORN aside and suggest something along the lines of "I've been witnessing to her, and had some good response, then I found out that she is getting turned off by religion- and it seems that some of your comments have maybe turned her against us. Maybe you could lighten up... yada yada, yada.

Jodie said...

My 83 year old neighbor is crazy -- went after my kid with a golf club while kid was mowing the lawn, which is the only reason kid EVER goes outside because he is addicted to video games. Luckily, the old guy can't run very fast. And the police won't do anything because he's so old. AND he says he has a gun...! Scary! I'd take your ORN any day and probably sun in the front yard. :D