Thursday, February 03, 2005

I am a Whore.

...a free stuff whore. Luckily, at my job, we get freebies (or swag, as we whores call it, which stands for either "Souvenirs, Wearables And Gifts," "Stuff We All Get," or "Super Wild Ape Games" depending on who you talk to) all the time.

I will take anything for free, and if no one's watching, I will take more than one. Possibly three or four. I will take it even if I have no use for it an know no one who would have a use for it.

I have at least twelve of those insulated coffee mugs - and I don't drink coffee. I have more magnets than I have refrigerators for (aside: Why is "refrigerator" shortened to "fridge"? Where did the "d" come from? Why isn't it "frige"?). I have calendars that you hang on the wall, calendars that stick to your computer monitor, calendars that stick out of your keyboard, and calendars to keep in your purse (or fanny pack, if that's what you prefer). I have clips with magnets for your file cabinet, clips to stick on your cubicle walls, and clips to stick on your computer monitor. I have mirrors, business card holders, water jugs, picture frames, paperclip holders, plastic massagers, calculators, staple removers, clocks, t-shirts that don't fit, foam stress toys, mouse pads, pads of paper, maxi pads (ha! Just kidding. That would be weird.) and more. And by "more," I mean pens. Thousands of them. In ever color. In every shape. Pens with bubbles, pens with lights, pens that make "boink" noises when you shake them back and forth. Pens in the shape of palm trees, flamingos, boats, letters, four-leaf clovers, and, believe it or not, pens in the shape of pens. And then, of course, all the red-headed stepchildren of pens - highlighters, pencils, markers, and the marker-pen mutant. And then there's the food...the glorious food. Whether it's a full lunch or a chocolate in the shape of a cowboy boot on a stick, I'll take it.

Some of it I save and give to my mom (she's a kindergarten teacher, so I give her foam cell phones for the House Center, pads of paper for the Art Center, and staple removers for the Pointy Dangerous Stuff Center). Some of it I actually use (though this category probably accounts for, oh, maybe 3% of all free stuff received), and most of it goes into my top file cabinet drawer and is never looked at again. But I can't throw it away, because...well...it was free.

And free stuff is awesome.

13 comments:

Thom said...

Wow. How entertaining. This is a blog worth reading. You remind me of David Sedaris. Take care...

Eve said...

Fridge came from Frigidaire, as in the name brand. But if you shorten it non phonetically, you get Frig, which I am sure is like bad PR or something. So Fridge it is.

Although I would love to be able to one day say, hey, can you get me some milk aout of the frig? Or, Crap! The frig's leaking again.

Robert said...

I have a cousin who my ex and I took to dinner one time. She brought her daughter along. When we left, there was a bowl of candy for the guests. Her daughter took one. The cousin's motherly instinct took over and she told her daughter to grab a handful and put them in her pocket. It was nice seeing these values passed on to the next generation.

BTW, what's the deal with the red-headed stepchild stuff? I've always felt loved and appreciated no matter how many times my stepfather beat me.

Matt said...

One of my favorite southernism is how my grandmother would always, without fail, refer to the refrigerator as the "Frigidaire." Helps to imagine the accent.

NYPinTA said...

At least you keep your free stuff in a file cabinet. We had a guy where I work that used to bury his free stuff out under a tree behind the building.
Don't know if he ever dug it up after he was fired.

Robert said...

Hey, you asked about the two CD's:

Breaking Benjamin is good.
Crossfade I didn't care for too much (just the first song). I'd download any singles you like from iTunes or something similar.

If you don't have Cold: Year of the Spider, that's a pretty good one.

NYPinTA said...

Just thought you would like to know, I got a box of goodies today from our office supply company. Pens, highlighers, notebooks, velcro tabs, white out... I could go on and on.
I gave it allllllll away.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, my favourite words in the whole wide world are(in this order):

1) Free
2) Cheap
3) Bargain
4) Sale

There is a debate to be had about whether "gratis" should get a look in but my own personal feeling is that "gratis" is just a foreign variant on "free" so I'm excluding it.

My ex used to say I should have "love" in there, to which I would ask, "Well, is it FREE love? 'Cause then I think it's covered."
She thought love was important.
I knew what I could get free, gratis and for nothing was what mattered.
We no longer go out but I know whenever she goes to write a message and the the pen's not where she last left it, she thinks of me and sighs...
*

Mr. H.K. said...

Here in Hell's Kitchen we would call you a Schnoor. Earning the title of Whore has a different set of criteria...

;)

african oracle said...

Bring it on!!!

Send me some !!!!

I am a free stuff slag .....

Anonymous said...

Hi Midwest Girl.

I have free stuff that I am inclined to send to you . The "stuff" is a pen and pencil souviner form the Trees of Mystery, both have been sitting around our house taking up room and not contributing positively to the household.

If this interests you send address info to my email and I will mail the items out free of charge.

Jess said...

My grandma always referred to the fridge as the "icebox" so for the longest time I just thought she froze everything and that she kept the bottom part as a sort of storage, like a filing cabinet for all the important stuff adults have. Thankfully I went to school and grew out of my bubble that I seemed to hibernate in for the first 15 yrs of my life. Thank god!

The Tremulant Sings said...

You can't beat free stuff. I'm having a free CD giveaway on my blog, but I'm not going to give myself the shameless self-promotion. Ooops.