Sunday, February 20, 2005

"Son of the Mask" Sucks? But I Already Bought My Tickets!

I love terrible movie reviews. Reviews for good movies are all the same: "...inspired acting...", "...delightful details...", "...polished...", "...raised the bar...", "...made me pop a woody...", etc.

However, critics writing about bad movies try to outdo each other with their witty put-downs. So below I have collected a number of these gems for your enjoyment from the worst-rated movies on the Rotten Tomatoes "Now Playing" list. So enjoy. Or else I'll force you to actually go watch one of these stinkers (and if you did see - and like - one of these movies, you know what? I haven't seen any of them. So write mean emails to the reviewer, not me. Please? Mean emails make me cry.)

"Attains a level of awe-inspiring Velveeta dunderheadedness."
-- Andrew Wright, THE STRANGER (SEATTLE, WA) regarding "Alone in the Dark"

"Terrible beyond belief, like the worst 1940s serial ever made. As for Slater and Dorff...well, they've been in worse movies--wait a minute, no they haven't."

-- Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION regarding "Alone in the Dark"

"Obvious dry humping to inappropriate music doesn't cut it in a horror flick -- at least give us some skin."
-- Joshua Tyler, CINEMABLEND.COM regarding "Alone in the Dark"

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn."
-- Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM regarding "Alone in the Dark"

"We know that the house is haunted, because the family who's just moved in has to deal with the lights always flickering out. They should have called the movie The Fuse Box Horror."
-- Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY regarding "Darkness"

"...the film proves mainly to be a commentary on poor electrical wiring."
-- David Blaylock, VILLAGE VOICE regarding "Darkness"

This is a comic book movie that feels like it might have been made for the Lifetime channel. With costumes by Victoria's Secret."
-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES regarding "Elektra"

"As inherently unthrilling, incoherent, and unsatisfying as scrambled porn."
-- Peter Canavese, GROUCHO REVIEWS regarding "White Noise"

"You wonder if the filmmakers intended you to utterly despise everyone in the story. Probably not."
-- Liz Braun, JAM! MOVIES regarding "The Wedding Date"

"Makes you yearn for the days when they got a few things down on paper before they started shooting a movie."
-- Scott Von Doviak, FORT WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM regarding "Boogeyman"

"Is it over? Watson is asked. Yeah, it's over, he says, possibly aware that he's commenting on his acting career."
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR regarding "Boogeyman"

"A thriller that is so generic it can only be dispensed if your doctor checked the 'Generic OK' box on the prescription."
-- Eric D. Snider, ERICDSNIDER.COM regarding "Boogeyman"

"It brings to the big screen that corner of the talent pool where 'Who's your agent?' means 'Where will you be patrolling Sunset in your actor-for-hire sandwich-board?' "
-- Mark Ramsey, MOVIEJUICE! regarding "Boogeyman"

And that leads us up to the best, most succinct review of a bad movie I've ever seen and what I'm sure all critics yearn to write:

"The movie stinks."
-- Robert Denerstein, DENVER ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS regarding "White Noise"

Having listed those, I did come across one rare memorable good movie review that I had to share, mostly because I love MacGyver. I heart Richard Dean Anderson forever!

"MacGyver hopped up on methamphetamines wouldn't be more quick-witted."
-- Mike Ward, RICHMOND.COM regarding "The Incredibles"


Walking Wounded said...

Those are some funny movie dribblings! I too am fustrated with positive reviews that once you leave the theatre you are left scratching your head wondering what the hell the reviewer was on (or who's ass they were kissing). Bad reviews are more honest because those people don't give a shit.

BTW, nice addition of the pick! ;)

:) said...

To a powwow drum beat:

"I puked in my popcorn and what did i see?

I puked in my popcorn and what did i see?

The reflection of this terrible movieeee!

hey ya heya hey!"

LeRoy said...

I am an avid Rotten Tomatoes checker, but when I really need a more colorful review of a film I always find myself heading to

He's toned down a bit(I think there's a new Mr. Cranky), but he's current reviews are still funny. His old ones are totally hilarious.

Shwicaz said...

Utterly hilarious. It's funny-- I used to go to the movies once a week.

Now I go maybe twice a year. Hmm... maybe its the crap that's out there (not to mention the movie ticket prices)

Shwicaz said...
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drobby said...

Here's one from Roger Ebert about the "movie" National Treasure: "National Treasure is so silly that the Monty Python version could use the same screenplay, line for line."

I don't know if that's insulting to this movie or to Monty Python movies. Although, Ebert can usually be counted on for a good line or two about bad movies.

NJ said...

I suddenly have this incredible urge to go see "Electra".

Nell Minow said...

When I saw I was included in your round-up of good bad reviews, I felt so honored that I should probably spell it "honoured." Makes it worth having had to sit through "Elektra." Thanks a zillion.

The Author said...
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The Author said...

I just saw The Wedding Date with my wife. Here's my review:

The upside is that this movie will offend absolutely no one. The downside is that any movie worth watching should typically offend many.

Sorry, that's all I've got.

Oh wait, just thought of one:

If someone could ever find Debra Messing a set of breasts, this movie would almost be worth using a free rental coupon on.

Robert said...

I just saw a review of the Son of the Mask that I thought you'd appreciate:

If only I had spent the money at Taco Bell instead. I'd at least have a turd afterwards, and would wipe my bum with the movie poster for Son of Mask.

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