Friday, April 22, 2005

But I KNOW I'm Right!

There are certain things which, to me, are infallible truths in life.

That are completely wrong.

Example: Everything should go in the microwave for three minutes.
(Truth: A leftover piece of pizza can go a minute, a frozen dinner needs six!)

Example: You can get anywhere in the city in 15 minutes or less.
(Truth: There are places in the city limits that take a half-hour or more. My school, for example. Which is why I am 15 minutes late to class every day. Every single day.)

Example: I only need to budget $50 a paycheck for spending money.
(Truth: That barely covers drinking expenses for that period, much less food and personal supplies like shampoo and deodorant.)

Example: It only takes me twenty minutes to get ready in the morning.
(Truth: Maybe if I don't count the time it takes to take a shower or choose an outfit...)

Example: Spending 4 quarters is not the same as spending a dollar; spending 5 one-dollar bills is not the same as spending a five-dollar bill; spending 4 five-dollar bills is not the same as spending a twenty, etc.
(Truth: I know it's technically all the same, but it sure doesn't feel like it at the store!)

Example: The homeless guy at the bus stop really does need that money so he can eat, go buy a suit, and get a job.
(Truth: If by eat you mean drink, suit you mean drugs, and job you mean cot at the Salvation Army.)

Others: The only temperature you need to use on the oven is 350 degrees. People will never steal your purse if you leave it out because that's wrong, or if you do happen to leave it somewhere they will get your address off of your driver's license and send it back. My mom will always be around. My incessant talking doesn't bother anyone, and, in fact, people wish I would talk more. I will eventually win the lottery even though I don't usually remember to buy a ticket. Cops are good people who became cops to protect the citizens. I will become a best-selling author and kindergarten teacher despite having done nothing to further those goals. Everything should be ironed on "high."

Why these came to be infallible truths is beyond me. I have eaten enough rock-hard slices of pizza to know that they only need to go in the microwave for a minute. I have melted enough polyester articles of clothing to know that the iron shouldn't be on "high." And I have been late enough to know that a) it will take me much longer than 20 minutes to get ready and b) once I am ready, it will take longer than 15 minutes to drive there, especially in rush hour traffic.

So obviously I know the truth regarding all of these, but somewhere in the back of my head I still want to microwave that burrito for three minutes.

21 comments:

Walking Wounded said...

Too funny. Although I have found what locals in your city call "rush hour" traffic to be a sick joke compared to LI/NY/NYC. I usually get everywhere I need to go in your city in ten minutes cause I drive like an urbanite. LOL

Peace.

The Author said...

I'm fairly certain you've been reading my diary again AMG, and just so you know, WE'RE the ones who are right, everyone else just measures success differently (i.e. wrongly).

Brad said...

2:22 for the burrito
0:55 for the oatmeal in the morning

I love cooking with the microwave

Robert said...

The chance that someone is watching you mess up is directly proportional to the level of stupidity of said action.

scott c said...

Granted NYC/LA/etc have nothing on me, but it is flustering when it takes me 35 minutes to drive to work/school IN Omaha. It doesn't bother me until I consider that I can get to Downtown Lincoln in 45 minutes.

There's gotta be a time paradox or something around 90th and Dodge. I swear...

sc.

Anonymous said...

You have touched on something profoundly true about human nature here AMG, we refuse to believe ewhat past experience has taght us, preferring to believe that things are as we would want them to be.

There's a philosophy paper in here somewhere...

*

Anonymous said...

And on a completely un-related note, thank you so much AMG for taking the time to direct me to the digital camera reviews, I'm clueless at the moment about these things and I needed that.

I went into the shop today and had a look at that Sony P200, ooh, fancy!
A little more looking is required but it's an early front-runner.
Thanks again.

*

Anonymous said...

P.S. (Isn't there always?)
I just saw the Human Clock on your links there. Hee hee.
The sheer diversity of things on the web will never cease to amaze me. This is absolutely crazy, absolutely useless and absolutely brilliant. I love it.

*

Mars said...

it is also possible you're just buying the wrong burritos, the pizza people baked it too much to begin with, they're scheduling your classes wrong for you, someone's overcharging you for drinks, and there's a massive robot conspiracy to make the lights delay your driving. If you don't give the homeless people money, they'll buy clothes, food, get a job, and then work for less than you, which will get you fired. 350 is correct, times will vary though... and the postal service intentionally throws away items people are trying to return to their owners.

Buckley said...

So, do any women comment on your site?

If they do, I'm guessing it's a small per centage.

Why is this AMG? Why?

lindsey said...

$50?! you have got to be kidding me. I spend twice that out on a night of drinking!
LIES LIES LIES!

Lord Chimmy said...

You need to get one of those new microwaves...I only have to blast leftover pizza for 15 seconds before it is too hot to handle. I use the other 45 seconds to wonder what the fuck I did with my life to get where I'm at now...

O.2 said...

Egad .. ze french wood hav yor hed eeef zey nu yoo wer cooking wiz a meeecro wave....

ah!!! truisms !!!

Anonymous said...

Sigh.

Have to work this Saturday.
Of course, by work I mean turn up and look at the internet.
NO new posts by AMG, just me, alone in the AMG void, wondering where I'll go next.

I hate working on a Saturday...

*

P.S. AMG, your talking DOESN'T bother anyone. I, for one, wish you WOULD talk more. So there.

P.P.S. Buckley, you're strangely right. Now why IS that?

scott c said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shawn said...

Crap! I always thought it was two minutes in the microwave... That explains a lot...

By the way... thanks for some funny posts. The world isn't short on funny shit, but it is short on people to point it out...

Cheers.

Rex Venom said...

There is no spoon!

Kim said...

Hey, Thank you very much for your comment on my site. Yes, Frieda Hughes does have great poetry. :)

Talk to you later.

Clint said...

it's quite possible that you are related to my wife.

Max said...

Hiya!

Thanks for commenting on my site and you rule! It's clear that we know better than to do all the stuff you listed, but it's way easier to just continue doing the stupid stuff because it gives you stuff to talk about, hence the more talking thing. Which is good.

Monique said...

Man thats awesome, everything you said was right. Loved it