Thursday, September 08, 2005

Warm Fuzzies Versus Burning Itchies?

This afternoon, I worked on a Habitat for Humanity (for any Canadians that might be reading this, "humanity" is the "condition of being human." Which I understand you might not be too clear on. Oh, snap!*) house with a group of volunteers from work. I was excited, not just because of the whole bettering society thing, but because it meant a day off work cavorting in the sun. If by "cavorting" you mean "working your ass off" and "sun" you mean "that thing in the sky that causes your skin to burn and peel, and sweat to pour down your face in such a copious amount that you could collect it in an aquarium and house several saltwater fish."

The crew leader, with her obligatory "Amnesty International" t-shirt and armpit hair, gave out the assignments. My visions of painting a porch while sunning myself and getting an adorable smudge of paint on my nose quickly vanished when I learned I would be installing fiberglass insulation in the crawlspace beneath the house. The fiberglass insulation of extremely fine glass fibers that collect on your skin and make it itch and burn like gonorrhea (which I've never had, rest assured, but which according to Scott C does itch and burn*). The unfinished crawlspace of bare earth floor and no ventilation, which had been collecting heat all day and smelled of a thousand wet dogs.

Because this was charity work, I don't want to bitch about how my arms were bright red and itched like a mofo by the time I was done, or how it was really hot in there and I could barely breathe, or how the crew working outside drank all the water so I didn't get any, or how my eyes were burning but I couldn't itch them or wipe them because I was totally encased in fiberglass, or how when I got home and took a shower my skin burned as the glass shards sloughed off my skin, or how even after the shower my arms still itched.

No, I don't want to bitch about any of that.

Instead, I've chosen to look at the bright side of having fiberglass cover you from head to toe.

To wit:
1. The tiny shards of glass made my skin sparkle in the sun.
2. Glass makes a great exfoliator!
3. If I collect enough, I'll never have to buy a winter coat again.
4. All the itching took my mind off the burning in my toe from where I stepped on a rusty nail. That didn't really happen, but I really needed a fourth item to round out the list. And it sounded plausible.


*Just kidding. I love Canadians. Especially Celine Dion.

** Not that Scott C has gonorrhea. Not that I know of, anyway. But he is in pharmacy school so I expect him to know things like that.



32 comments:

grody jo-dee said...

yeah, insulation is a bitch. but i'm glad you can see the sparkly good side of things. it's funny that my only experience with insulation was with habitat for humanity in high school. i think the big hippie lesbian forewoman has it in for us.

Malia said...

I have always wanted to build one of those houses, but it sho' nuff does not sound like fun.

pcrss--Please cross roads silently, sir.

Malia

Thomas, the Retarded Monkey said...

Now being a retard (the regular kind, not Canadian) I picture you building a place where "the condition of being human" will live. And I don't get it.

What's next - knitting socks for "the concept of free will"? Taking up a collection for "the ontological possibility of a supreme being"'s first abortion?

Blonde said...

those jobs are always reserved for the very tiny girls because they fit in crawlspaces easier ;). I did work with HFH and the more petite the girl, the shittier the job.

You did a good deed :)

Have a fabulous weekend!

NJ said...

I like Canadians, just not Celine Dion.

Niffy said...

Hey, I am Canadian and I am more offended by being lumped in with Celine Dion than I am about the humanity crack. We've sent her to you, now you guys can keep her.

Captain Bee said...

Ditto on what niffy said.

And did you see Celine Dion go bonkers the other day? If you can watch it again, watch how she says "kayak". Fucking hilarious.

Jennirhiow said...

hey, u take care of that toe.... go see a doc if the burning sensation persists!!

and are u sure u wan a dingo? they smell u know.... give a koala anytime man.... thanks for droppin by! :)

Eve said...

LMFAO! He he he

Sangroncito said...

Funny!
Don't you know that all saints have to suffer to get that halo? The Vatican is going to proclaim you St. Anonymous Midwest Girl any day now.
Seriously though, that's great that you do volunteer work.

Nytro said...

i straddled something that had pieces of fiberglass on it once... while i was in shorts. HOLY SHIT DID THAT HURT!

Walking Wounded said...

Whoa! You, sweaty, using power tools wearing a tool belt? The only thing I have to say is, "I'm in!" ;)

Peace

Geez said...

I used to work at Habitat... I'm shocked they had an assignment for you. Sometimes we'd have volunteers and no work. These folks gave up their saturday for some philanthropic greater good and, as their supervisor, all I can do is tell them sweep and pick up rocks.

BTW, next time you're encrusted w/ fiberglass insulation: DO NOT TAKE A WARM SHOWER. It opens up the pores and makes it hurt more. Take some masking tape and put it on your arm. That will pull out the glass out. I'm serious.

exile said...

man, good thing you didn't get it on your "lady parts"

scott c said...

For the record I never learned anything from pharmacy school.

Er...

I mean...

So... any good football games this weekend?
sc.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure it was a buring sensation?
Perhaps it was just the sense of well-being your soul gets from doing a good deed and you didn't recognise it.

Not that I'm saying you're not charitable, I mean more like-
Sort of-
Well, you're usually busy sunbathing.

Go Soul Go!

*

babyjewels said...

Be careful what your breathing in. That can't be good.

p.s. I gave scott the gono. opps.

DIAMONDKT said...

Just be happy the "burning sensation" was a result of insulation fibers and not some icky...well you know - STD!

Anonymous said...

This is Paladin, and I am really proud of you for doing that, then what you and lil' bro are doing tonight!

As long as we are on the subject of Habitat, why don't you share the story of The Long Night and working at Habitat the next morning... or is that one only funny from our point of view?

Chixulub said...

Yikes, you show up for Jimmy Carter duty and get the shit detail.

Don't go too far defending Canadians. Look what those bastards do to bacon. I mean, really, it's more like bologna than bacon when Canadians get done doing whatever it is they do to it.

AJ Gentile said...

The word verification is "zkrich" which sounds like what you do to itchy skin. Coincidence? Hm.

It looks like soft pink cotton candy, but it can be the most evil, spiteful, angry fluffy stuff you'll ever encounter.

And you can say the same thing about Canadians.

Joe Important said...

Your soothing wit, especially:

"The crew leader, with her obligatory "Amnesty International" t-shirt and armpit hair, gave out the assignments. My visions of painting a porch while sunning myself and getting an adorable smudge of paint on my nose quickly vanished when I learned I would be installing fiberglass insulation in the crawlspace beneath the house."

Brought temporary relief from my hellish hangover.

Thank you.

yournamehere said...

I did Habit for Humanity once; a week in inner-city Chicago. Jimmy Carter came by and criticized my painting skills.

AlRo said...

see.. if you were canadian like me... you wouldn't like Celine Dion.

MrCorey said...

She's not really Canadian any more. She's more like a Vegas light bulb. BTW, we make the bacon that way for a reason (after all, we do export it...arteries! arteries!)

evercurious said...

you crack me up!

MrCorey said...

Not sure if I should let the secret out of the bag, but...reasons Americans fear (or should, anyways) Canada)

sage said...

That's neat helping out with the habitat house. But insulation work is the pits.

Tony said...

i will have you know, contrary to popular belief, that fiberglass does not taste like cotton candy...

Gordy said...

Well done you, this is a great cause. I am actually going to be working on one of the HFH house two days in October.

Depending on how that goes, I might try to fit in another few days before Christmas when it is due to be finished.

Great new profile pic BTW.

Gadfly said...

Insulating a crawl space with the pink death fluff?????

Who did YOU piss off?

I would have known not to take that job. Humanity shmanity! I wouldn't fuck with the pink death fluff.

You made fun of the dikey chick's underarm hair, didn't you?

Muad'Dib said...

Wha wha wha ?!?!

Slagging us Canadians who INVENTED peacekeeping? :)

I must read on in your blog to see where this comes from, this hot-midwest-chick-slagging-Canadians must stop ;)

Nice site. If I was gay I'd be after your two buddies Scott and Magnum.. Ok, maybe not. Maybe just the steaks.. mmm.. I love steak.

Oh oh, time for Survivor and a Rum'n Coke!

Yours in In-Humane Canadian Love
Gorthos