I Swear to God I Will Deny This Post Ever Happened

What I am about to write I will later not believe I wrote, and will be forced to admit I did write it when presented with this post as proof. Therefore, sometime in the near future, I may delete this post and destroy all references to it. If someone takes a screenshot or saves it and provides that as evidence that this post existed, I will cry foul and accuse them of some nifty Photoshop work. I may even sue for slander.

I. Am. Glad. It's. Fall.

There, I said it. I'm glad it's fall. It was 46 degrees this morning, and I was happy. I'm glad it was cold, I enjoyed the chilliness, and I may have even reveled in it a bit.

Now, one must remember that I am, quite possibly, more related to the cold-blooded reptiles of this earth than I am to other humans. I am always cold and must use outside heating sources to keep me warm. I have a heater on full blast in my office at all times to ward off the effects of the air conditioning. I spend hours in the summer sunbathing in my backyard. In the winter, I sit in front of the fire and absorb the heat as if it was oxygen and necessary to keep me alive. I continually contort my body into pretzel-like positions in order to conserve body heat. I. hate. cold.

The summer-to-fall transition this year has been horrendous. Cold, then hot. 90 degrees, then 50. Sunny, then raining. Freezing at night, then so hot you need a fan. Yes, that's somewhat normal, but I like to think this year has been especially bad.

When it started to get a bit chilly, I performed the Bringing Out Your Fall Clothes That You Forgot You Owned and Are Now Excited to Wear Because It's Like You Got a Whole New Wardrobe, Only Free ceremony. It was actually good timing, because I was completely sick of all my summer clothes.

However, then, just one day after I wore my first sweater, the weather turned again. From mid-fifties to NINETY FREAKING DEGREES. And this is one reason I hate the midwest. I actually just said, "Fuck it!" and wore a fall outfit anyways, which was a bad idea because I was comfortable in my office but immediately became drenched in sweat when I walked outside.

So...I am asking our benevolent god (the noodly one, of course) to just let fall happen. I understand that you are trying to make me happy by throwing in some hot days here and there, but (and I can't believe I'm saying this), I got my fill this summer. I will be taking that statement back in January when it's twenty below freezing, but as for now, I'd just like some normal fall weather.

Please.