Friday, December 02, 2005

A Part of My Soul Was Left Shattered With Bits of Reflector Lights

As much as I bitch and moan about hating winter, it's really just the cold and damp and high winds and nostrils freezing shut and possibility of frost bite to any exposed piece of skin that I hate. If we could have snow and 80 degree weather, I'd be in heaven. Especially if the snow smelled of coconut and almonds.

Despite my professed dislike for the season, whenever it snows I secretly thrill at the prospect of driving. I love driving in the snow. I love it. The possibility of danger at every turn and every stop and every hill gives me little shivers up all through my body. Not to mention the donuts I love to spin in empty parking lots. I rock at making donuts. Recognize.

However, Black Betty has declared herself Not A Big Fan, and, as I was turning into my neighborhood yesterday, she threw herself at a stop sign in protest. There was nothing I could do as I watched her hurtle towards the sign in a desperate attempt to off herself before she was forced to perform any further in -5 degree weather and 6 inches of snow. However, in a testament to Nazi engineering, she managed to knock the sign post down to a 45 degree angle and yet suffer only a broken reflector light and a couple of scrapes.

In an effort to bring her 'round, because living where I do driving in these sort of conditions is a given for four to five months out of the year, I'm going to outfit her in some pretty new Blizzak tires. AMBF had some on his BMW M3, a sports car that has no rightly place driving on anything other than the Autobahn, and they allowed him to plow through the snow like the freaking abominable snowman. So hopefully they'll help ol' Betty adjust to life in Craphole Weather Central, USA.

18 comments:

Kawamoto said...

Abdominal snowman? Is that a snowman with a six-pack? Sorry, that gave me a chuckle.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

I know, I thought that was weird too - I thought it was "abominal" but Google told me I was wrong. And Google is always right.

mwp said...

I believe the word you are looking for is abominable.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

MWP, there you go! Thanks and fixed. :) Though now the post maybe isn't as funny.

mwp said...

By the way, I thought you were showing your diversity when you called the tires "blizzak" until I clicked on the link.

Who does Bridgestone's marketing, Snoop Dogg?

sage said...

sorry about your car--I love winter. I don't mind driving in it, but I prefer to be out in it--on skis or snowshoes... or even in a canoe!

sue said...

Poor Betty. Hope she's 100% soon...

Oh, and I LOVE snow, but that doesn't mean I like driving in it. I have 4-wheel drive and it makes not a spot of difference on ice, so I've gotten to do the donut thing before, too, but so far no parts have been left on the side of the road. I like watching it from inside by the fire, or bundled up and on a snowmobile... :) Take care!

bigfootcookie said...

A Beamer M3 out in the snow! Jesus, they must be some seriously good tyres. I had a work colleague who drove one, and it was like a scud missile with a leather seat.

And a steering wheel.

You may have possibly come up with an idea for an advert for those tyres that could earn you an obscene fortune.

Which was nice.

JoeyJoJoJo said...

Evening classes were cancelled at North Seattle last night for "snow." There was not even any on the ground!!! There were a few flakes in the air and it was "The Great Seattle Blizzard(for shizzle) of '05!" on the news. Granted, it was only the second time I have seen ANY snow in the city in the four years I've been here.

Paladin said...

So... Black Betty, a GERMAN car, doesn't like snow?

What part of Germany does it not snow in????

I think you just spoil her with that heated garage of yours! If you kept your car outdoors all the time, they get tough!

MrCorey said...

Good choice on the tires. They're the best! If they're too dear, you can also get excellent response out of Dean Wintermasters (I know, aren't they truck tires?). I had them on my last car. Go for the Blizzak's if you can, but don't be disappointed if your donuts are harder to make now, due to too much traction...

Chixulub said...

First off, it's 'Adorable' not 'abominable.' I'm a snowman, a fair cop, but get it right.

As far as Beamers vs. Volkswagens, both have come a long way, baby. Both translate into engineering puzzles, dealer-only parts, and unreasonable property taxes.

My advice: drive a Buick or a Ford. They're not better cars, but no worse, and you won't get ass-raped by state and federal revenue cops...

The Other Half said...

that sucks...those damn stop signs

K2 said...

Sorry 'bout Lil Nazi, you should try Studded Snow Tires like I got on the Dodge They rock in snow (when combined with a box full of snow, a spare tire, and 300# of sandbags) Also, that happened to my sister once, and the city made her pay for the damn sign.

They didn't even let her keep it.

Chris F. said...

Oh honey, didn't you know that front wheel drive cars can only get their asses swinging around a curve when you use the handbreak? I find the feeling getting my car sideways in snow can only be surpassed by a powerful and transcendant orgasm, especially when said car is "at speed".

I highly recommend that during the winter, if you have a front wheel drive car, and like the feeling of the car actually turning, you keep your hand on the hand break, vis-a-vis World Rally racing. Seriously, it's an exhilerating feeling to learn you can have that extra tool for vehicle control.

As Mini likes to say....Keep motoring! (by the way, this post really turned me on. There's NOTHING sexier than a woman who knows how to...motor is the only word I can think of to explain it).

Nytro said...

funny... i had a car that tried to off herself by hitting a skunk.

Walking Wounded said...

Damn, that's a buzz kill! But at least there wasn't body damage which is costly and generally brings you down.

Also, try not to think of your neighborhood as your own personal Autobahn. j/k I used to love watching all the kids who were first-year drivers try and navigate our "familiar" neighborhood with a fresh layer of the white stuff. Funny shit!

I've heard good things about the Blizzak tires so I think it may be a no brainer to throw them on. Beats roughing up the black betty anyway. ;)

Peace

exile said...

you should come back to california for winter.

i snowboard in a t-shirt and pants.