Monday, December 05, 2005

Warning: Potentially Offensive Post to Follow

Who am I kidding with this "potentially offensive" shit? Almost certainly offensive is probably more accurate.

I am linking to Tard-Blog.com with a clear understanding of the hate email and/or comments that may ensue, but I would like to offer the following caveats in hopes of minimizing the damage:

1. Riti Sped clearly loves both her job and the kids that she works with, and all stories are relayed with an underlying affection. You need only read this story (bottom half, number 40: "Book Order Day") to see that. The parents are a different story; she obviously hates them all. For good reason, though, as you'll see as you read.

2. These kids are funny. I don't see why (and here I'm opening myself up to perhaps more hate mail) you shouldn't laugh at a funny story just because the main character is handicapped (you need only look to South Park's handi-capable Jimmy for supporting evidence). Kids themselves are funny, special-ed or not. I can't wait to have kids just so I can relate stories of dumb things that they said so I won't have to think of original things to write about anymore. Like the five-year old who burned his mouth on hot garlic bread and exclaimed, "It's the goodness of the garlic burning your intentions out!"* Or when I worked at a daycare, and one of the girls drew an anatomically correct picture of a man and pointed out to the entire class his penis and "popsicles!" When I'm a mom, I will be laughing at my kids constantly. Not with them, but at them.

3. Seriously, how mad would you be if you knew I had a site that contained the gems listed below and didn't share?

I am in my room, waiting for my 11:00 group to show up for math. It is 11:09, I begin to wonder where they are. Then I remind myself that they are retarded, and stop wondering.

Augusta walks in and sits down at the table. He takes one look at the cupcake and gets so angry that he turns it over and smears it all over the table. He looks at the kid next to him and says "I can't believe you can eat that, it looks like abortion."

I walk over to the new kid, and notice that his lunch, in its entirety, is gone. Even his soda pop, finished. I ask him how he ate his lunch so fast. Tyler, who is sitting nearby, points at Augusta, and says, "No he didn't eat it, the Kentucky Fried Fat-Ass over there did."

After I told him that he wouldn't have individual play today because he didn't turn in his assignments, he responded "I FUCK MOTHER!". Out on the playground I heard him yell "You shit fucker," at one of the other students. While lining up to leave, another student cut in front of him, "Ass fuck me" was his reply. I really feel like writing his parents back and telling them they should teach their kid how to curse, because what he's learning in my classroom just isn't cutting it.

This morning, as all the kids were unpacking their things, I notice the old new kid was just sitting there, doing nothing. I said to him, "You need to unpack your backpack." His response to me- "You need to unpack your butt."

Final note: Yes, some of these stories made me sad (usually in regard to the home life that some of these kids have, which made me want to scoop them all up and deposit them in Disneyland). But more made me laugh. Hence the sharing.


*From Three Kids Circus, who has the most quotable kids ever.

17 comments:

Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said...

I LOVE TARD BLOG.

The only reason I haven't linked is that it hasn't been updated for a very long time. They had a new writer for tard blog but she only lasted a few posts. Since then her posts have been removed.

I see there are new posts to Slow Children at Play. Happy reading!

cutie said...

Eh...fuck 'em if they can't take a funny.

I worked with the Developmentally Disabled population for several years in college. The job was very stressful and the only way to get through it was to laugh at some of the stupid and crazy stuff you put up with on a daily basis. My nephew is DD as well and we still laugh at some of the things he used to do.

I say laugh on!

C.

Adam Siewert said...

I have posted again AMG

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

If we can't laugh at retarded children, who can we laugh at?

ayrhen said...

Thanks alot.....I just wasted 1.5 hours reading Tard Blog. Well....maybe not wasted....but I spent a long time there and accomplished nothing else. Rather funny though.

Bridget Unnel said...

Am I evil for laughing at those posts???

K2 said...

You so rock. I now have something to do tonight when I go home from work and can't go anywhere else because the coolant system in my truck is FROZEN.

I heart you :)

Julie_Gong said...

Even though I've read all the posts on Tard Blog I still laughed hard at the ones you posted. Augusta has to be the funniest kid ever. And this comment seals my fate in hell.

Nate said...

Laughing despite the puddle of piss forming at my feet.

Arent we all a little retarded?

Great post chick-a..

Chixulub said...

For what it's worth, I have a kid with autism, a kid with ADHD (a diagnosis I share), and Frau Lobster is a para. Some of the Tard Blog (like it's title) is patently offensive. But I also recognize that a humorist bound to sensitivity is a humorist who isn't funny.

My own blog's latest entry was spawned by a news article about a couple who adopted eleven kids with special needs and proceeded to file them in boxes, kennel-style, and right now are only facing a custody battle (instead of the death penalty, preferably by some means the Supreme Court would claim is 'cruel and unusual.')

Shmorg said...

You should go watch the Special Olympics. You'll laugh for hours. I love retards.

Ritardo said...

Kids say the darndestest things at their own expense. Laugh on people.

Walking Wounded said...

I agree that if something is funny then it's funny and you are not necessarily looking to make a joke at the expense of someone with a handicap.

It can be hard to put into words easily but we all have a "sense" of where the line should be drawn. I think this is basically a common instinct in rational people. Those who are oblivious of this line are of course nimrods themselves and may have a handicap yet determined in the psychiatric community! ;)

Peace

abragazam said...

Just reading the first couple of posts there made me wonder how they find anyone with patience enough to deal with kids like that...and their parents. The site was truly enlightening, a fresh reminder that maybe I am blessed not to have kids, as much as I wanted them.

I did find the humor in it as well, though. You can't take everything that is serious seriously. Otherwise, you would just go plain crazy.

abragazam said...

p.s.
Just thought of someting scary. I sure hope someone doesn't come up with the brilliant idea one day to write a blog exposing all the goofy things I've done or said in my life. Because, like Nate said above, aren't we all a little retarded???

sue said...

I hate to admit it, but in our family we have the line... "You're special... yeah, like special olympics". I know, it's mean, but it gets us every time. I have kids who have their "slow" moments (don't we all?) and figure they'll just be getting back at me when I am on the other end of the spectrum and either get alzhiemers' or start just losing it... oh, wait... that's already happening...

Jessica Lilly Haldoll said...

Well, all I can say is if The Tard Blog is ok, then I as a special ed student can call the author a cocksucking whore...if she can dish it out she can take it.

Plus most special ed teachers are dumb whores. They like to feel that their helping. Um yeah, no