Tuesday, February 28, 2006

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned from a Chicago Taxi Driver.

I was in Chicago this weekend, courtesy of United and $60 round-trip tickets. (Unfortunately the courtesy of United ended when we were trying to get back, stood in line for 45 minutes waiting to check in, only to find that our eTicket confirmation number wouldn't work in the self-check-in kiosks, so we had to go wait another 30 minutes in the "ticket problems" line, only to find that the hour and 15 minutes we had waited in line brought us to within 45 minutes of our departure time, so the airline wouldn't accept our luggage. I know, WTF, right?? We ended up being waitlisted for a flight that left an hour after our original one and luckily got on it, so United is off my shitlist now. But for a few hours there, they were at the top and I was mentally going through the items in my carry on to see what could possibly used to kill the ticket agent. Unfortunately, there wasn't much. But I was devising a plan involving Twizzlers and a copy of Cosmo. I'll keep the plan under wraps in case I ever need to use it, but I think it would have worked.)

So, to recap, I was in Chicago this weekend. And I learned two lessons: 1) If I ever rob a bank, I will no doubt include a Chicago cab driver in my entourage as the getaway driver. And 2) Chicago strip clubs suck. Oh, and a third one. 3) If you see a turquoise suede trench coat in a store window, and you really feel like you have to have it, just go in an buy it. Because otherwise you'll walk a few more blocks, decide you really can't live without it, and have to walk all the way back to get it. And you'll get more compliments on it than you ever have on any other piece of clothing you've ever owned, and you'll feel amazing wearing it, and you'll never regret buying it. At least I haven't in the nearly 72 hours I've owned it. And, before anyone comments on the cost, it's a tax return splurge that I never would have been able to afford normally. So shut up.

**UPDATE ON THE WHOLE STRIP CLUB THING, and also the part where my parents and/or any relatives should stop reading.**

So I don't mind going to a strip club every now and again. To me, it's like going to a bar, only there happen to be some naked girls in front of me. I will say that I prefer topless bars, because for some reason I just get squeamish about seeing someone's hoo-ha all up close and personal. But that's just me. My favorite club is one here where the chairs are plush and comfy, has great music, and it's very girl-friendly. And dang, what the dancers will do for a dollar! The usual T&A-in-the-face action, but also lots of acrobatic stuff involving legs over your shoulders, heads in your lap, flipping upside down over you, beating you with your own belt (which I haven't personally experienced, but I've seen it, and it's freaking hilarious). To summarize, you get a lot of action for your buck.

One night in Chicago, AMBF and I decided to go to one, as we reasoned that since Chicago is six times bigger than the city we're from, the strip clubs would be six times better! Indisputable logic, right? Um, no. You had to pay the normal cover charge, but then there was also a mandatory coat check you had to pay for, and you had to pay an extra fee if you wanted to sit anywhere in view of the stage and not along a wall. And once in, we found out you didn't get anything for your dollar other than the dancer walking over to you and pulling her garter belt out so you can slide the dollar underneath. Looking around, we noticed that almost no one was putting dollars out, but there were an awful lot of table dances going on. So I got one, thinking that must be what the club was known for. Um, no. Other than shaking my hand when she came over, she barely touched me. She actually apologized at one point for bumping her boob on my arm (awkward...!). It was more of the same throughout the club. There were handshakes, but as far as usual strip club touching goes, there was none. It might have been worth it had we not paid so much to get in and even more to sit by the stage, but it was a total rip-off for what we did invest. So the moral is, don't go to VIP's in Chicago.

24 comments:

angelsarentfree said...

Looks like it is worth every cent to me!

Chixulub said...

But where's the picture of you wearing it? I don't think a mannequin can capture the full anonymous Midwest sex-appeal of it all.

Mr. Toast said...

Trench coat, smench coat. We wanna hear about the strip clubs. :^)

hanmee said...

Beautiful looking coat, and from your pic, it looks like it would look great on you :).

And yeah, you should at least say why they suck.

browser58 said...

Hmmm, I am sure the coat looks great on you.

We need more information on the taxi driver and the strip clubs, of course.

Brianne said...

You are now dubbed Ms. MacGyver. And hey - Twizzlers can be dangerous! Y'know, after they've sat around in an open bag and become petrified. Those corners get sharp man.

That jacket is absolutely FABULOUS dahling. Nothing wrong with an occassional splurge.

You should check out my blog sometime! :)

dub said...

vegas strip clubs aren't all they're cracked up to be either. i always thought that in bigger cities, strip clubs would be all cool like they are in the movies. not so much.

Julie_Gong said...

1. now I don't feel too disappointed in my strip club adventure
2. that jacket is worth all $178!

Gadfly said...

The best strip club I ever went to was in podunk Odessa TX. It was all nude, so they couldn't get a liquor license -- so you just pay $10 at the door and bring in your own bottle of scotch. All the girls were hot, so you just sit and watch until you find one you really like, then get a lap dance and enjoy the sight of her rubbing her naked genitalia on you.

But perhaps that's too much information ...

Nice jacket. Wanna fuck? ;-)

Spirophita said...

It sure can't be as bad as the strip club in Bismarck, North Dakota, where one stripper had a prosthetic leg, one wore glasses, and another had to kick the CD player to make her music start. It gives "horse face" a new meaning.

If you ever head up to Minneapolis, though, Sheiks has some attractive women, as does Rick's Cabaret.

ruben said...

did you say hoo hoo???

Chixulub said...

Gawd-damn, AMG! You're KILLING me. I was jealous of AMBF before this little 'update,' and now they're going to have to swear out a lunacy warrant on me. They'll be feeding me under the door.

And yeah, I've heard Chi tittie bars suck. Never heard it from a girl I'd buy a lap dance from myself...

Paladin said...

Glad you're back!

Coat: Can't wait to see it. You didn't happen to pick one up for your mom, did you? her BD is coming up and it might make a nice present for her!

Twizzlers/Cosmo: I've GOTTA hear this plan! Sounds like the makings of a new parlor game- "OK, you two have got to kill each other, using only the items on the table- GO!"

Strip Clubs (Yeah, I read it anyway. Sue me.): I think it is funny that you've been to more than I have been, and I consider myself a dirty old man! (With a life score of '0', I suppose MOST of your readers have beaten me!)

Gadfly said...

My ex's first foray into a strip club:

"I love her earrings"

"Hon, you're the only one in here who knows she's wearing earrings."

Adam said...

reason 101 why strip clubs are overrated.

browser58 said...

Damn, here I was expecting to hear it was amateur night with some really juicy information. and maybe a few pics.

mysterygirl! said...

Gorgeous coat! You were right to walk back for it.

I was really expecting people to write in with ideas of better strip clubs that you should have gone to, but so far, no advice. Huh.

DIAMONDKT said...

My thoughts...

A) The coat is sexy!
B) The fact you don't mind going to a strip club - very cool!

C) There are definitely good and bad strip clubs. There is a club here that the girls are completely naked, will do a back flip for you if you would slip them a $1 and I too have witnessed the belt spanking. Very funny, but somewhat painful looking when I watched a buddy of mine get abused on stage. Still, it was entertaining.

Thomas said...

I really like your turquoise suede trench coat.

AstonWest said...

Most strip clubs are going to suck in places where they legislate them to death (i.e., no touching, limited nudity, no alcohol, etc.)...

Don't know if this is the case in Chicago, but it's likely...

Leftygolfer said...

You gotta love a woman that'll go to a strip club!

If you ever get the chance, check out the nudie bars in Montreal (especially La Super Sexe). Full nudity, non-existant touching laws (I think the dancers get mad if you don't touch them!) and did I mention that they serve alcohol until 4:00 AM? When my buddies and I went, the girls were jaw-droppingly beautiful and they were willing to involve each other in lap dances. Greatest. Night. Ever.

stretch td said...

Someone got themselves a nice coat at your expense. Too bad about the Chicago strip clubs ... the places that I've been in Chicago were not much better.

Next time you're in NYC, you should give the strip clubs a shot. They are super expensive but should me more fun than Chi-town.

Simon said...

I agree with the above people: girls that are interested in going to a strip joint are a thing to be treasured. My GF is open to the idea, but it ain't happened yet.

I imagine that your experience is not indicative of all the strip bars in Chicago, but may be an anomaly. In San Francisco, there is a wide variety, ranging from slummy to classy, rip-off to worth-it. That's what I've heard, anyway.

And anytime I want to cry, I now have a new image for the saddest and most pathetic thing I can imagine: The Apologizing Stripper. Christ, that wrecks the whole thing. That would spoil the mood worse than a stripper with an open flesh wound.

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