Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Unicorns, Simpsons, Mucus, and Toilets. A Perfect Tuesday Afternoon.

Hmphf. Apparently the fornication of unicorns doesn't interest most of you. Freaks.

And hey! Did anyone catch "The Simpsons" on Sunday? Notice they used the real-life intro I posted a few days ago? I take 100% total credit for that. Without me, they would never have done it. Thank you, thank you.

I have been fighting off a could the past couple weeks, complete with enough mucus to fill a swimming pool. I don't understand how I can literally go through 15 feet of toilet paper blowing my nose, finally clear it, only to have to repeat the process ten minutes later. Where does it all come from? I don't even think there's enough space in my entire body to hold that much. I'm pretty sure I may not be human, but rather an alien of some sort. I have a really gross story about mucus, but since someone may be reading this and eating lunch, I'll save it for the footnotes. So: *.

Finally. A memo to all the ladies that work in this building with me. STOP USING THE TOILET RIGHT NEXT TO ME WHEN THE ENTIRE FREAKING BATHROOM IS EMPTY AND YOU HAVE YOUR CHOICE OF TEN OTHER STALLS. This bothers me more than anything. It's rude, and frankly quite creepy. I specifically always choose one of the two stalls on the end to halve the chance of this happening, and yet...you still do it. I understand my shoes are beyond cute and you want to stare at them, but don't do it from the stall next door. I already loathe going to the bathroom in public places, and if I'm forced to do it, I really don't want someone right next to me. I freeze up and can't finish. Then I have to wait for you to get done, wash your hands, and leave before I can go again. And god forbid someone else come in during that time. Ugh. And also. If you flush the toilet, make sure it all flushes away. If it doesn't...wait for it....flush it again! I know this is a revolutionary idea, but it's fucking disgusting to open a door and see someone's lunch from yesterday sitting in the toilet. And also. Who is the genius who designed these bathrooms? The toilets are like a foot and a half off the ground. I feel like I'm sitting in a chair in a kindergarten room, those little plastic ones you barely fit into. My knees hit my chest when I sit down! This is the other reason I choose the stalls at the ends. They're the handicapped ones, and they are of actual normal height. Yes, I use handicapped stalls and I'm not handicapped. Every single time. I'm sure I'm going to hell, but it is worth it.


* Okay, now the mucus story. So I can't hock a loogie for anything. This means when I start coughing, I either have to cough it all the way out or swallow it back down. Which is as disgusting as it sounds. The other day, I had this mucus shit that kept coming up, and I kept swallowing it. It kept happening, and I kept gagging and almost throwing up because it felt so gross (which now that I think about it, throwing up would have solved the problem. Maybe next time.). So the next time I cough, I can feel it in the back of my throat, and I can't stand it anymore. Using my fingers, I reach down my throat and pull out this wad of mucus. It was literally the size and shape of a Cadbury egg. And fairly solid, too, like the consistency of that stuff you throw against the wall and it sticks, then slooooowly starts to slide down? It was probably the most disgusting experience of my entire life. However, of course, once it was out and I threw it on the ground, I wanted to show everyone. "Wow, look at what I just pulled out of my throat! It's so nasty!" I still gag a little thinking about it.

32 comments:

Nytro said...

i read an article once (or one of my genius girlfriends told me, i forget) that you can tell a lot about someone's sexuality by the proximity of their toilet stall to someone else when there are other toilet stalls available.

not that there's anything wrong with that...

Zepplinlady said...

I too did a previous post on "restroom activity." Oddly enough, public restrooms seems to bring out a different side in some people.(good, bad & sometimes overly friendly)--don't ask....lol

Jege (Jen) said...

About the mucus egg: I have ALWAYS wondered if that mucus glob feeling at the back of my throat was truly an object, or just the (erroneous) sensation of an object. I am both horrified and fascinated that you solved the mystery. And had you offered to show me, I would have looked at it....it would have been gross, but informative (sort of like the time I went into the stall in a public restroom and came face-to-face with the biggest log of human shit known to man. It was so ridiculous, I had to go get my friend and show her. But I digress).

AstonWest said...

I too just finished a nasty mucus battle...

Mucinex and/or Robitussin works wonders...

Chixulub said...

You just shattered the illusion that you're the true story behind the Battle Shit scene in Harold and Kumar!

I've had a head cold for three months, my nose just never gets all the way healthy. It hurts to breath through my nose when it's not stuffy or running liquid.

Your mucus horror-story would be even better if you smoked. Every morning you could be producing big, firm, brown lung-cookies.

sue said...

I, too, have a "shy" bladder and can't do a thing if someone else is even in the room with me, let alone in the next stall!

Also, I just finished the cold from hell and let me tell you - how can one person go through two large boxes of Kleenex in one day is beyond comprehension. I gave up and got out the extra-large Charmin toilet tissue roll...

Feel better soon!

Julie_Gong said...

Mucas the size of a Cadbury egg must be some kind of record. Really that is amazing.

I once coughed up something not even comparable in size and was proud so really you should be elated!

The Muse said...

Everyone around me (coworkers, family, roommate) seems to be going through the allergies from hell. This makes me very nervous.

As of yet, I've remained impervious to the mucus. Which really only means that when it attacks me, its going to be the mucus of DOOOOOOOOM!

Jenni said...

I used to have a shy bladder, until I had to pee really really bad at an outdoor event, it was dark, I HAD to go, and there wasn't a bathroom ANYWHERE so a friend and I (who had to pee too) found a building with a parking lot and peed between the building and the lot...it was quite liberating and VOILA! No more shy bladder!

susan said...

In middle school, one of the boys' bathrooms had toilets that were so low, the seats were actually visible beneath the little stall divider walls. (I know because after hearing the boys gripe about it so much, I checked one day when I was there after hours for a band concert or something.) There has got to be a law against stuff like that...

AlRo said...

I knew i came here everyday for a reason -- never have i been so well entertained about reading about the consistencies of mucus!!

Thank you, AMG --- you absolutely make me smile all the time with your whimsical writings...

DIAMONDKT said...

Sounds like you have the female equivalent of the male pee shy syndrome.

http://diamondktblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/if-this-doesnt-make-you-pee-shy-then.html

DIAMONDKT said...

Wow, not sure if I should of read that footnote about your mucus ball. That is some sick shit, way more disturbing than that unicorn porno.

AstonWest said...

"Everyone around me (coworkers, family, roommate) seems to be going through the allergies from hell."

You're aware that allergies aren't actually contagious, right?

Pomme said...

You are my soul sister, soul bathroom-etiquette and pet-peeve sister that is.

I feel exactly as you do and get equally enraged and apalled and freeze up when someone chooses the stall next to mine ... Somewhat similar pet-peeve, when in an otherwise empty library, theatre, what-not, someone comes and sits right next to me or in front of me, etc. WTH??? Sigh. This was therapeutic for me. Thank you!!!

Karlos said...

I hear what you're saying with regard to the bathroom stall thing.

Being a guy, I'm more in tune with the urinal perspective. I find it a bit perplexing that a stranger would choose the urinal immediately next to me, out of all the others available, and then choose to strike up a friendly conversation while we’re standing there inches from one another with our dicks in our hands.

I just don’t get it.

I know there are some of you urinal-stander-next-to-ers reading, so clue me in. Why? Why do you do it?

Brianne said...

You are so funny! You crack me up! I am going to bestow upon you a compliment never given to another human soul (at least by me). Are you ready for this? You are very Dave Barry-esque. There. I said it. As I see from your sidebar, you admire his work like I do so I'm fairly positive you'll appreciate that. :)

Thank goodness I wasn't eating anything or even remotely hungry whilst I read the footnote. That is disgusting but we have ALL been there! It's worse, though, when you're surrounded by people and you cough all of a sudden and THAT is the moment the mucus wad decides to fly out of your mouth and land on something in the exact form of the sticky thing you throw against the wall - like a desk or somewhere that everyone can see it.

the belligerent intellectual said...

You couldn't somehow work your menstruation in there for the bodily fluids trifecta? I'm disappointed in you.

Gadfly said...

You gotta love a chick who can play gross out -- and play it well.

Speaking of bathrooms, I worked in this office once where the men's room had these fancy scalloped toilet seats, the function of which seemed to be holding one's butt cheeks tightly together. If I'm sitting on a toilet, that then is the ONE time in my life where I don't really want my butt cheeks tightly together.

I've never mentioned that to a living soul before. I ... I feel so free!

Robert said...

Try bringing in a really big pair of muddy combat boots with you in the stall. Set them by the door so anyone entering can see them. That'll probably drive them to the other stalls.

Brianne said...

I've discovered that the song Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs fits perfectly with reading your blog. I'm not sure why. Do you like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs?

scott c said...

I refuse to use public restrooms. I just carry a lot of ziploc bags with me.
sc.

Roonie said...

I love that your sponsored ads now reflect the "toilet" nature of your post. Hilarious.

I too never use public restrooms. I can wait until I can pee pee in the privacy of my own commode.

AstonWest said...

Actually, bring in a cup of day-old coffee from the office pot, and when someone hits the stall next to you, start making grunting and groaning noises, then say "oh, God," and dump the coffee in their general direction.

You'll have them cleared out in no time, guaranteed.

lccb144 said...

Totally unrelated to your post, and a bit random:

http://lccb144.blogspot.com/2006/04/six-degrees-sort-of.html

browser58 said...

You didn't get a picture of the mucus ball or perhaps a tape of the sounds the accompanied the expectoration? Some additional A-V is just what we need here.

BTW: Today is Monday - it has been 6 days since your last blog. I hope you are not sick, er, sicker?

LocuTus of Borg said...

Ok that was really garosse lol. Spitting up a nice pile of phglem !!

I agree with you on the bathroomthing. I hate when people come to the urinal right next to me instead of the one 3 places down. Sometimes when they do, I think they are gay ... not that there is anything wrong with that. I just don't want you taking a piss fantasizing about my penis.

Jennifer said...

You should never feel guilty about using the handicapped stall. It is there as a convenience to the handicapped but I don't believe it is meant to just stand empty until a handicapped person shows up. Oviously, if one does show up they get dibs but until then, enjoy.

MissGayle said...

That bugs me about the bathroom stalls, too, but read my post about what I saw in the bathroom at work one day...

Dan said...

Homer might say, "Mmmm... mucus."

Boobless Brigade Master said...

Run, don't walk, to your docotor. I was bottling snot and selling it on eBay a few weeks ago and just got out of the hospital with pneumonia a few days ago.
Either way...feel better!

Dan said...

Now that I've read the whole post, I think a picture of the mucus ball on the wall would be effective.