Unicorns, Simpsons, Mucus, and Toilets. A Perfect Tuesday Afternoon.

Hmphf. Apparently the fornication of unicorns doesn't interest most of you. Freaks.

And hey! Did anyone catch "The Simpsons" on Sunday? Notice they used the real-life intro I posted a few days ago? I take 100% total credit for that. Without me, they would never have done it. Thank you, thank you.

I have been fighting off a could the past couple weeks, complete with enough mucus to fill a swimming pool. I don't understand how I can literally go through 15 feet of toilet paper blowing my nose, finally clear it, only to have to repeat the process ten minutes later. Where does it all come from? I don't even think there's enough space in my entire body to hold that much. I'm pretty sure I may not be human, but rather an alien of some sort. I have a really gross story about mucus, but since someone may be reading this and eating lunch, I'll save it for the footnotes. So: *.

Finally. A memo to all the ladies that work in this building with me. STOP USING THE TOILET RIGHT NEXT TO ME WHEN THE ENTIRE FREAKING BATHROOM IS EMPTY AND YOU HAVE YOUR CHOICE OF TEN OTHER STALLS. This bothers me more than anything. It's rude, and frankly quite creepy. I specifically always choose one of the two stalls on the end to halve the chance of this happening, and yet...you still do it. I understand my shoes are beyond cute and you want to stare at them, but don't do it from the stall next door. I already loathe going to the bathroom in public places, and if I'm forced to do it, I really don't want someone right next to me. I freeze up and can't finish. Then I have to wait for you to get done, wash your hands, and leave before I can go again. And god forbid someone else come in during that time. Ugh. And also. If you flush the toilet, make sure it all flushes away. If it doesn't...wait for it....flush it again! I know this is a revolutionary idea, but it's fucking disgusting to open a door and see someone's lunch from yesterday sitting in the toilet. And also. Who is the genius who designed these bathrooms? The toilets are like a foot and a half off the ground. I feel like I'm sitting in a chair in a kindergarten room, those little plastic ones you barely fit into. My knees hit my chest when I sit down! This is the other reason I choose the stalls at the ends. They're the handicapped ones, and they are of actual normal height. Yes, I use handicapped stalls and I'm not handicapped. Every single time. I'm sure I'm going to hell, but it is worth it.


* Okay, now the mucus story. So I can't hock a loogie for anything. This means when I start coughing, I either have to cough it all the way out or swallow it back down. Which is as disgusting as it sounds. The other day, I had this mucus shit that kept coming up, and I kept swallowing it. It kept happening, and I kept gagging and almost throwing up because it felt so gross (which now that I think about it, throwing up would have solved the problem. Maybe next time.). So the next time I cough, I can feel it in the back of my throat, and I can't stand it anymore. Using my fingers, I reach down my throat and pull out this wad of mucus. It was literally the size and shape of a Cadbury egg. And fairly solid, too, like the consistency of that stuff you throw against the wall and it sticks, then slooooowly starts to slide down? It was probably the most disgusting experience of my entire life. However, of course, once it was out and I threw it on the ground, I wanted to show everyone. "Wow, look at what I just pulled out of my throat! It's so nasty!" I still gag a little thinking about it.