Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Free Food Will Be My Downfall

If there's one thing I'm completely ambivalent about, it's potluck food days at work. My department has about one a month, supposedly in honor of everyone who has a birthday or anniversary that month, except I'm pretty sure it's actually a plot by all the older, um, bigger women in the building to add to their numbers. There are a lot of big girls that work here. I don't know if it's because work consists of sitting on your ass all day, or if large women are drawn to this industry, or maybe they were once all tiny, svelte girls who became trapped in the food day paradox and thus gained a collective ton. And note, by "big," I don't mean ten or twenty pounds overweight. I mean one or two hundred pounds overweight.

Now hear this. I love food. I have a hard time going an hour without eating. I am constantly in a state of wanting to eat. For these reasons, I love potluck food days. Chances are that at least a few of my favorite foods will show up in a variety of forms. Lil' Smokies? Would you like those with or without a bacon wrap? (Seriously, someone has way too much time on their hands if they are able to individually wrap a hundred mini-sausages with tiny pieces of bacon). Deviled eggs? Of course! With or without paprika? People bring in sloppy joes, chicken tortillas, nachos, salmon dip, quiche, souffles, baked beans, casseroles, noodles, egg rolls.... and then you have dessert. Seven-layer bars, cookies, brownies, doughnuts, pies, cakes, pastries, and things I can't even identify. You can bet your sweet ass that it's all super rich, full fat, heavy cream, 100% lard, too. Really, it's ridiculous the amount of food that is brought in. Yummy food! Available all day! For free! In humongous amounts! And did I mention it's all free? For those reasons, I love food day. Never mind that I usually totally forget about it, bring nothing but take part anyway. No one needs to know that (for which reason I'm publishing that fact on the internet for all to see).

However. However, I'm trying to eat healthy. Well, healthIER. Because I love to eat so much, I try to limit what I do eat to things that won't cause me to become one of the Big Ladies of Work. I usually have a Lean Cuisine for lunch (side note: to others who eat frozen dinners for lunch, have you tried their new pannini sandwiches? DIVINE, I tell you!) and snack on cereal or baked chips during the day, supplementing the food with about eight cans of diet Mt. Dew. I also usually grab a few handfuls of M&Ms from the secretary's desk throughout the day, but I try to block those moments out of my mind, because if you don't remember it, it doesn't count. That works for sex, too, by the way.

But food day TOTALLY FUCKS THIS UP. I know it's only once a month, but it's enough food for the entire month without eating anything else. It's a lotta food. And to a food addict like me, well, I just can't stop. I love food day, but I hate it, because I can't resist all the food, and it messes with my healthy(er) eating. Frankly, I'm surprised I'm still up and writing this and not laying on the floor, drooling everywhere, in a massive and deep food coma.

So. Can ya'll just have the next food day and forget to tell me about it? I won't be mad. Unless someone brings cream puffs.

19 comments:

Mr. Furious said...

Have you tried eating all you want and then purging it in the ladies' room? A million cheerleaders and supermodels can't be wrong!

Chixulub said...

The customer service department where I work is just like this, except let me guess: while they power down two-cheese chicken enchiladas with double-fat sour cream, chips with fried bleu cheese dressing and a thing made from oreos and cream cheese that tastes just like a truffle, they talk about DIETING.

Thing is, some of them are overweight, but even the ones to thin to hide pencils talk about trying to lose weight.

How many points are there in a case of good beer? I mean, besides enough points to put you out of driving to work.

Besides, a real man wants some curve. I don't mean a whole lotta Rosie, but a thin waist and flat stomach don't make up for a lack of hips and boobs, right?

So I say eat up, AMG. You'd have to gain a lot of weight before you wouldn't be welcome in the lobster's bedroom...

hanmee said...

I hate office potlucks for the same reason. I personally am one of the bigger ladies, but knowing that, I try to avoid bad foods. Occasionally, I will get something not so great, but I usually eat better at work because at least I can grab a lean cuisine for lunch and bring in fruit or cottage cheese, etc. for snacks.

I usually take minimally from the office potlucks. Lately, it seems that the potlucks have been scheduled when I'm not in the office (I don't think this is a coincidence - it's a freakin' conspiracy b/c I actually wanted to attend the last two b/c of the event).

And btw, I am in total agreement with you on the panini. I had my doubts about a nuked "grilled" panini, but nummy nummy!

Julie_Gong said...

I'm really sad we don't have these potluck days at my work because there are some big ladies that work in the office who I know would bring in great super fatty food.

K2 said...

We only do those in small amounts... the 9 of us (and a few stragglers) that used to be on a team before dissolution. Instead of monthly potlucks, we get taken to places like Romeos or a hotel for cocktails and beer. Wait, I'm sure you recall those.. Them Beef Wellingtons are damn good eh?

(p.s. I'm glad I'm not the only one to go 'net-public with the overly huge woman issue now :) I'd add that link, but unlike your site, mines friggin' blocked at work.)

Chris said...

How about you make yourself bench press one of the Big Ladies 50 times whenever you overdo it on free food day? ;)

dub said...

i think fat, middle-aged women are just typical midwest decor. kind of like "w04" stickers. i dread becoming one, but i think we have a better understanding of our health these days--plus we have lean cuisines, so we should be totally fine.

Brianne said...

Well damn.. Now I have to go home tonight and make deviled eggs. I am addicted to eggs be they scrambled, deviled, over-easy, medium-boiled (where the yolk is slightly runny still... yummmm), whatever - I love them. And I also couldn't resist the quiche, nachos and salmon dip. Although when I find myself exposed to vast amounts of the best hors d'oeuvres (grr I will be able to spell that word without consulting dictionary.com first one of these days), I tend to completely be turned off from the desserts. Except brownies. I can't resist a good brownie.

I am the same way - trying to just not eat as much. Snacking on celery and carrots is great, too because it makes your jaw tired. Lean Cuisines are the BEST because they're made with virtually zero preservatives and ingrediants that are unpronounceable.

Gah! Too much to comment on! I can relate too much!

sue said...

We don't have potlucks, mainly because I work with all men. Occasionally a wife will send in cookies or brownies, and about once a season someone will think to grill some brats or something here... Still, it IS free... and now that I'm being a "good" diabetic, it SUCKS 'cause I can't have it. Boo hoo.

Good luck with that day... oh, and with the m&m "memory" trick. I'd like to try that one sometime.

mysterygirl! said...

Oh, I miss the office bring-in-food days. It started that I would abstain, and then I'd only eat the healthy stuff, but by the time I quit that job I was practically licking the last bit of cookie dust from the plates...

Gadfly said...

It's OK to have some extra booty to spank. But when your cellulite looks like you've smeared your butt in superglue and sat in a pile of golf balls -- you need to give Food Day as skip. I'm just sayin'

Zepplinlady said...

I'm surrounded by male co-workers & 1 other female. There's one guy in particular,who can cook his freakin' butt off.(Look out Emeril, Anton & all you other cooks)Occasionally maybe 5-6 times a month, he brings in a "motherlode" meal that always tastes so magically delicious!

There are straight men who'd want to marry this guy just for his cooking habits folks! In other words...he could make fresh turds taste good...well, maybe not. YUK LOL

susan said...

Those Lean Cuisine paninis are freaking awesome. The southwest chicken panini was one of the first things I ate (well, I had half of one) after I gave up vegetarianism. ;)

LocuTus of Borg said...

I loved potluck days at work! Those were awesome with all the different varieties. I always gained like 5 pounds that day because I couldn't get enough! Nothing wrong with liking food ;)

Brianne said...

In response to Zeppelinlady's comment: We should have an Iron Chef-like cookoff between that guy and my boyfriend. He cooks his butt off too and it all has become so good that we are usually disappointed when we eat out (which is rare anyway). Just last night he grilled a pork tenderloin that he had marinated in teriyaki and garlic, and served it with grilled asparagus. mmm I think I'll keep him. ;)

Rachel said...

Now I agree free food is the surest way to eat the unnecessary and load on extra handles to your hips... but free food somehow tastes better than anything else in the world...

I vote for keeping free food.... come on, AMG... you know you really want it...

Layla said...

Pot lucks scare me sometimes, you never know if the people were picking their nose before they created those wonderful little deviled eggs!

terry said...

damn, i'm hungry now...

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

We have those where I work as well. Although we call them "carry-ins" instead of potlucks. In my office there is a total of over 80 women. So you can imagine the amounts of food being brought in each month. Our department is having one on Tuesday (for my boss' birthday). Argh.

I'm one of the bigger girls (but one that isn't happy with that fact). I try to diet my ass off, sometimes I am successful, other times I'm not. I LOATHE carryins. I really do. I try to avoid them like the plague. I've even taken the day off work purposely to avoid them. There is simply just too much food and everyone's like, "Try this, it won't hurt you to just try a little bite". Yeah. Whatever.

My biggest weakness though is due to the people who forget to make something the night before. Their asses stop at the donuts stop before work and get all the good ones. Donuts are definitely my weak food.