Free Food Will Be My Downfall

If there's one thing I'm completely ambivalent about, it's potluck food days at work. My department has about one a month, supposedly in honor of everyone who has a birthday or anniversary that month, except I'm pretty sure it's actually a plot by all the older, um, bigger women in the building to add to their numbers. There are a lot of big girls that work here. I don't know if it's because work consists of sitting on your ass all day, or if large women are drawn to this industry, or maybe they were once all tiny, svelte girls who became trapped in the food day paradox and thus gained a collective ton. And note, by "big," I don't mean ten or twenty pounds overweight. I mean one or two hundred pounds overweight.

Now hear this. I love food. I have a hard time going an hour without eating. I am constantly in a state of wanting to eat. For these reasons, I love potluck food days. Chances are that at least a few of my favorite foods will show up in a variety of forms. Lil' Smokies? Would you like those with or without a bacon wrap? (Seriously, someone has way too much time on their hands if they are able to individually wrap a hundred mini-sausages with tiny pieces of bacon). Deviled eggs? Of course! With or without paprika? People bring in sloppy joes, chicken tortillas, nachos, salmon dip, quiche, souffles, baked beans, casseroles, noodles, egg rolls.... and then you have dessert. Seven-layer bars, cookies, brownies, doughnuts, pies, cakes, pastries, and things I can't even identify. You can bet your sweet ass that it's all super rich, full fat, heavy cream, 100% lard, too. Really, it's ridiculous the amount of food that is brought in. Yummy food! Available all day! For free! In humongous amounts! And did I mention it's all free? For those reasons, I love food day. Never mind that I usually totally forget about it, bring nothing but take part anyway. No one needs to know that (for which reason I'm publishing that fact on the internet for all to see).

However. However, I'm trying to eat healthy. Well, healthIER. Because I love to eat so much, I try to limit what I do eat to things that won't cause me to become one of the Big Ladies of Work. I usually have a Lean Cuisine for lunch (side note: to others who eat frozen dinners for lunch, have you tried their new pannini sandwiches? DIVINE, I tell you!) and snack on cereal or baked chips during the day, supplementing the food with about eight cans of diet Mt. Dew. I also usually grab a few handfuls of M&Ms from the secretary's desk throughout the day, but I try to block those moments out of my mind, because if you don't remember it, it doesn't count. That works for sex, too, by the way.

But food day TOTALLY FUCKS THIS UP. I know it's only once a month, but it's enough food for the entire month without eating anything else. It's a lotta food. And to a food addict like me, well, I just can't stop. I love food day, but I hate it, because I can't resist all the food, and it messes with my healthy(er) eating. Frankly, I'm surprised I'm still up and writing this and not laying on the floor, drooling everywhere, in a massive and deep food coma.

So. Can ya'll just have the next food day and forget to tell me about it? I won't be mad. Unless someone brings cream puffs.