In Which AMG Goes Blind and is Thankfully Relieved of Her Blogging Duties (Which She's Pretty Much Already Relieved Herself Of Anyway)

Although my blogging the last six or so months has been sporadic (speaking of sporadic, did anyone else watch "Clueless" yesterday?) at best, it doesn't mean that I haven't been composing posts. Wonderful, intelligent, and witty posts. Unfortunately all this composing has taken place in my head, and when I sit at a computer my thoughts don't translate well into words. Actually I can't say that for sure because generally when I sit at a computer I read everyone else's blogs and surf gossip sites and update my Photobucket account and see if anyone new has left me a comment on my MySpace page, and don't do so much with the opening of Blogger and writing my own posts.

Things I've considered writing about but haven't include:

-Monster truck rallies, my attendance of*
-Turtles, my acquierence** of
-Friends, the discovery of a long lost one
-Girl crushes, the re-emergence of an old one
-New Year's, celebrations involving
-New Year's resolutions, my lack of
-Dogs, how mine is preparing me for motherhood by keeping me awake all night
-Concession stand food, my great love of, including funnel cakes, soft pretzels, and Dippin' Dots.

You can obviously see the great post possibilities that lie within that list. In fact, if you're struggling for a topic, feel free to borrow one.

However, tomorrow I am undergoing surgery and may VERY WELL COME OUT BLIND. Okay, the chances of that are perhaps closer to "one in a billion" than "VERY WELL," but it was on the list of possible side effects. And it's not Lasik. Lasik, of course, being the much cheaper, easier, proven, and faster healing method. I am not a candidate for Lasik, because my eyeballs? They have no corneas. Or something like that.***

Rather I am doing the more expensive, more difficult, more beta-version, more invasive procedure. On the plus side, I am knocked out. Whereas with Lasik all you get is a Valium. Although from what I've heard of Valium it may be worth going through Lasik just to get one.

So tomorrow I am getting contacts implanted in my eyes. (GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION WARNING WHICH IS REALLY NOT ALL THAT GRAPHIC BUT SOME PEOPLE APPARENTLY ARE SQUEAMISH ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS) The surgeon will make a 3mm incision in my eye, then will insert a rolled up lens between the pupil and the cornea, where it will unfurl and presto! correct my vision. Usually no stitches are needed. That part worries me because what if stitches are needed and I have to have stitches in my EYEBALL? Your eyeball doesn't seem like a part of your body that would take stitches very well, and plus, it's stitches in your eyeball. Your eyeball. With stitches. That just seems a tad uncomfortable.

If all goes well, I should be seeing fine within a few hours and back to my normal activities in two or three days (for the purposes of work, let's call it three days).

In preparation for the surgery, I had to get something done called a YAG iridotomy, which I not only spelled right on my first try, but is also a fancy way of saying "drilling holes in your eyes with lasers." See, the lens implants block the natural valves in your eyes that regulate pressure between the back and front of your eye. So to counteract that, they make NEW holes in your eyes. With lasers! And although they are just making two new holes in each eyes, they have to drill your eye approximately thirty times! Each! Only I did not know that! And was expecting just a "Zap, Zap!" And that's not what happened! And if you're just expecting two "Zap, Zaps" and are holding your breath waiting for it to be over, and you start to relax after the second one because you believe it to be done, only to have it continue for what seems like a millennium, each succeeding "Zap!" hurts to an exponential power! So that by the time they are done with the first eye you are ready to vomit or pass out or both (hopefully in that order)! It's fun! In their defense, I guess I never really ASKED about the specifics of the procedure, just assumed that it would be two shots. And we all know what assuming does. That's right. It makes a donkey out of me and you. Or something like that.



*To get the full effect of this list one must read every comma as the word comma, not just a pause. Therefore you'd say "Monster truck rallies (pause) comma (pause) my attendance of." See how much funnier it is that way?

**Apparently not an actual form of the word acquire. But it should be. So I'm leaving it.

***Or something like that = in order to have healthy eyes, your corneas must be at least 250 microns thick. After Lasik, mine would be 280 microns thick. Which means that there would be virtually no room for them to go back and make any adjustments, and if my eyes got worse I would be back to glasses or contacts since they couldn't do another Lasik procedure. Versus ICL, which is fully reversible and I can still do Lasik later if they perfect it even more.