Monday, February 26, 2007

Funny, I Thought the Celebrity Diet Would Consist of Cocaine and Diet Pills.

Me: Hey! Look! It's your LAST CHANCE to buy the Original Celebrity Juice Diet! If you pass this up it will be GONE FOREVER.

NAK: But there's always the Celebrity Juice Diet.

Me: Or the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet. And if you're really pressed for time, you could try the 24-hour version.

NAK: I wonder if they work. Never mind, they say "As-Seen-on-TV" so they must work.

Me: Excellent point. The TV never lies to you. It's a well-documented fact.

NAK: I wonder what they taste like.

Me: I imagine they taste like sweaty goat balls. Sweaty goat balls that were left in the sun for weeks. Sweaty goat balls that were left in the sun for weeks to marinate in warthog urine. STALE warthog urine.

NAK: I don't know, I kind of want to try it.

Me: Oh, please don't. I know where this is going and I don't like it.

NAK: Let's try it.

Me: Let's not.

NAK: I bet you ten bucks you couldn't last the full two days.

Me: [Crumbling because I am a sucker for stupid bets] Fine. But you have to do it too.

We've set a date for next Monday. I'll keep you posted. POSTED. Ha! Get it? GET IT? I kill myself sometimes. (Wipes tear.)


Karlos said...

Sweaty goat balls marinated in stale warthog urine. There’s got to be a niche market for this as a diet product.

Calitri said...

While alive, Original Celebrity Juice Diet was made by leeching nectar from the semi-conscious body of Anna Nichole Smith through some sort of shaman rites and ritual. Celebrity would mix the nectar with water making an explosive concoction, which they then bottled. In its purest form, it could kill a man of anglo-saxon decent with merely a glance.

She produced between 500 and 1k gallons of the stuff a day. Top scientists from around the world came together analyzed the substance and concluded the chemical make-up could not be determined as it seemed to be an unstable substance with a constantly wavering balance of synthesized enzymes. They did, however, find an alternate fuel source. What is known are the effects of the drink on humans, which include slurred speak resulting from decreased brain function, a general inability to control extremities such as arms or legs and extreme involuntary defecation.

Since her untimely death, they've drained the last pure concentrate and, obviously, the well has run dry - thus the last chance clearance. They won't bury Anna because the Celebrity people are trying to gain custody to grind her into a powder similar to a legal form of crack. Initial reports indicate the primary market for such a product would be WASP's and proper English gentlemen.

Have fun, AMG. I don't know from personal experience but I've heard Celebrity Juice Diet is the most fun a person can have without Don Knotts.

Jess said...

Karlos...if you label it "With Hoodia" it will sell fast!

Mombi said...

*raises hand sheepishly*

I can attest that it tastes like orangey-pineappley gatorade and that if you plan on going on this diet, you should plan on not being around human beings during that time. Either your temper or your gas will kill someone; both will be lethal.

And as soon as you eat something after being on the diet, the weight's back on. But it is a nice little colon cleansing. Huzzah.

Or you could try the pageant girl diet of baby food and laxatives. Never did that one, but I heard of plenty of girls doing it... no joke.

jan said...

Hot sweaty goat balls marinated in warthog urine. Yum.

You do have a rare talent for marketing and copywriting. I'm falling off my chair dissolved in laughter.

Braindead Betty said...

I'm thinking you should contact them for the possibility of being their new spokesperson.

TSM said...

Nothing more appealing than living off a liquid-like substance for 30 days, eh?

Sweaty goat balls has been done. I should think it would be more like the sweat on the ass of an African Zebra. No, too ethnic. How about the perspiration of 100 Jersey construction workers? Iowa farm hands? Where you get it is of no consequence, unless you can think of a fun way to gather it.

On that note, have a pleasant day!

Jenni said...

I have no doubt in my mind that this is going to suck for you.

(Begin "Rocky" theme song)

However, a bet is a bet and you know what you need to do to WIN! Sure, you may not be able to stand up fast without tipping over, or walk any sort of significant distance, at all. You're kidneys may fail and your body will probably go into some sort of "fight or flight" mode, but it will be worth it damnit, because you'll have the praise and distinction of winning the bet of all bets...Plus walking away with the GRAND PRIZE!

(needle scratches off of record into complete silence)

Wait...there IS a grand prize, right?

Jay said...

Ohmigod - this could get ugly. I wish you strength and tenacity, but I don't have to taste the stuff to be pretty sure that it's nasty.

dub said...

you'd better be back to normal by thursday morning. we're not stopping every hour on our way to austin so you can cleanse your colon... and there will be no colon cleansing in the van... so it unfortunately it could be a painful trip for you.

but good luck. :)

kT said...

my favorite celebrity diet is by FAR the loads-of-greasy-food-followed-by-my-middle-and-possibly-index-fingers.