Monday, March 05, 2007

I Fully Expect the Paparazzi to Show Up Any Minute.

9:30 AM: Receive the following email from my co-conspirator in the Celebrity Juice Diet Challenge, NAK: "Hey, AMG. No go on the bet today. Mrs. NAK and I are meeting her parents for dinner tomorrow. Next week?" Unfortunately, actually COMPLETELY fortunately, I can't do it next week because I'll be at South by Southwest. Awesome. There's a sweet spaghetti/sub place serving lunch today that I didn't want to miss anyway.
12:00 PM: Mmmmm spaghetti.
1:30 PM: Receive following email from NAK: "You should do it today and tomorrow, I'll do it Wednesday and Thursday, and we can compare notes. Also, that way I can see if it kills you first."
1:31 PM: Send following email to NAK: "Negative. I already ate lunch."
1:32 PM: Receive following email from NAK: "Just start it now and end it Wednesday afternoon. Or are you pussing out on me?"
1:35 PM: How did he know I was planning on pussing out? I grudgingly pull the bottle from the fridge and crack it open.
1:36 PM: It totally smells like ass.
1:37 PM: Surprisingly, it doesn't taste too bad. Like orange juice with an slight aftertaste. I can totally do this.
2:00 PM: This 8oz serving is supposed to last me FOUR HOURS?
2:05 PM: Whoops, it's gone.
3:30 PM: Feeling rather burpy. Kind of reminds me of that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Charlie and his grandpa burp their way out of peril. I wish there was a drink like that in real life.
6:00 PM: I'm HUNGRY.


Calitri said...

Well, it's official. That drink would, without a doubt, kill me.

I burp all the time as it is. Actual orange juice makes me burp. Chinese food makes me burp. Water makes me burp. I have a problem.

It all started three years ago. A buddy was driving me home from a night out drinking and I passed out in the passenger's seat. I woke up as we approached our exit off the interstate and immediately had to hurl. Sweat beads began forming on my brow as he slowed and pulled to the shoulder. The car rolled to a stop, I opened the door and projectile vomited all over the side of the road and the door of his car.

Since then, I can't stop burping. Think I injured something in there that's allowing my stomach to breathe.

If I drank that stuff, I'm convinced I would suffocate. I would be unable to take a breath because of the constant stream of air exiting my stomach in audible thrusts.

Braindead Betty said...

I'm with you on the Fizzy Lifting Pop, but I think I'd rather have what Dumbo got drunk on. That just looked fun.