Monday, January 31, 2005

It Would Probably Be Easier Just to Steal One.

Since my car crapped out on my last week, I am in the market for a new one. So I, along with my reluctant boyfriend (reluctant to go car shopping, not to be my boyfriend) spent much of the weekend "shopping for a new car," by which I mean we were held at gunpoint by a car salesperson (we'll be politically correct here) while being forced to look at cars that were a) too expensive for me, b) not the kind that I wanted, or c) both.

We pulled into the lot and, upon entry, were immediately surrounded by an impenetrable shoulder-to-shoulder barrier of sales people, preventing our escape. Alas, I had forgotten my fake-smile piercing bullets at home. The remainder of my time at the dealership I had one-sided conversations with salespeople that have the listening skills of a lima bean:

Me: "I'm looking in the $10,000.00" price range."
Car Salesperson: "Great! I've got a beauty over here for just $36,000!"

Me: "I'm definitely looking to buy, not lease."
Car Salesperson: "We have a great special on new leases right now!"

Me: "I was thinking maybe a Jeep Wrangler?"
Car Salesperson: "We've got a beautiful 4-door Nissan Maxima right here that sounds perfect for you!"

Me: "I really like five-speed transmissions."
Car Salesperson: "We just received a new shipment of boats!"

Me: "Do you think you might be able to come down a little on the price of that one?"
Car Salesperson: "I will be happy to knock $5,000 off the list price, then add $7,000 back into the price in the form of upgrades and hidden fees!"

Me: "Okay, thanks for the help. At this time, I'm really just browsing to see what's out there. I'm on my way to meet someone so I'd better be going."
Car Salesperson: "Perfect! Let me go grab a lease form for that Maxima we talked about and I'll be right back! Don't try to leave, because I have set a deadly laser on you that will be activated if you walk more than two feet in any direction! And the dobermans will attack!"

Me: "Holy shit!"
Car salesperson: "Damn straight!"

We quickly pointed behind the salesperson and said "Look! Someone is trading in a mint condition, 2003 Jaguar!" When they whirled around, we jumped into my boyfriend's car and booked it out of there. And by booked it, I mean "drove six miles an hour out of there," since car lots are expressly designed to keep people in them as long as possible. The salespeople dove in front of the car, but we brazenly continued, driving over them left and right. They threw business cards, lease forms, balloons, and those special markers that they use to write on the windshields at us, but we pushed on. We left a swath of downed salespeople in our wake, but escaped with nary a signed lease.



Elliot said...

Great site. Thanks for the comments on my Blog. I gave you a link on my site.

EnjoyTheSilence said...

I have been there. I think car salesmen are the same no matter what state you live in. I have told them my intentions and had them tell me exactly what I didnt want. I have went in before, and said, "Honestly I want a new Toyota Tacoma 4wd. NEW. 4WD..." and they will want to show me all the used Pre-runners they have in stock. I came in knowing what I wanted and ready to pay, and they talked me right off the lot... to the next toyota dealer... It was almost like they didnt want my money... Never seen anything like it before.... Grrr....

Logan said...

Thank you for the comment, it's nice toknow somebody reads. Apart from Robbie, the lazy sod. I hereby give you permission (several times over, he's really annoying) to go trash his blog. Mwuhahahahaha... haheh.. ahem!
Yes, indeed. Quite.

David said...

Ah, the tie that binds us all together: battling car salesmen. Be strong. Oh, and thanks for commenting on my blog. I appreciate it.

Robert said...

Great blog. Very funny.

eddie said...

You are very funny... I like what you have to say. Thanks for stopping by my page and leaving a comment.

See ya!

The Author said...

I think I love you.

Thanks for voting for me (note to others: Go to my (non) blog and vote for me too!).

Want to go to Vegas?

Becky Burand said...

Hey, thanks for the comment on my blog! Your entries are hilarious. Good thing I haven't had to go through the whole car-buying adventure yet. I think I would fall over and die if someone suggested spending a year's worth of college tuition on a car. Have a great day-- its always fun to get comments on the blog :)

Heather said...

Darn you, AMG, for indirectly introducing me to 10 more interesting blogs that I must now read instead of studying for tomorrow's Spanish exam.

Seriously, though, I love your site. You remind me so much of myself that I had to check and make sure I wasn't reading my own journal.

noone said...

Well, at least carsalesmen are one thing I don't have to deal with right now! Thanks for the comment on my blog (my very first!) I'm pretty sure the student was just trying to get a reaction from me, but nobody likes to be disliked! :)

Marilyndrew said...

too funny!

The Tremulant Sings said...

I've heard that some of these new dealerships are equipped with a "topple-turver". I'm not sure where the name came from, but from what I uderstand, the whole car lot is lifted and spun around at dizzying speeds, so you get dizzy and can't find your way out. If, somehow, you retain the balance of your equilibrium, you are then sedated (by dart), and brought to a room with other dizzied people that almost made it out. Nobody knows what happens after that, as nobody has made it out past that.

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