Friday, January 21, 2005

Laziest Person Ever

I recently realized that I quite possibly could be a contender for the coveted title of "Laziest Person Ever."

I will try to carry 150 pounds of groceries from my car to my house at once to avoid having to go back outside. This involves meticulously balancing eight grocery bags on each arm, ensuring equal weight distribution, with the plastic handles cutting deep gashes in my arms; shutting the car door with my foot; staggering into the house at a slow pace since I can barely lift all the weight; struggling to open the door to the house, because, of course, I can't put anything down since it took me ten minutes to arrange it all on my arms in the first place; and practically crawling to the kitchen, where everything is dumped unceremoniously on the floor. I'm sure it would go much more quickly if I carried in only what I could easily carry and came back for the rest, but...well, that would involve actually going back outside.

I have had a bad cough for the past two weeks now, and though I can barely breathe, I would probably have to actually pass out and be transported to the ER before I actually have the cough looked out.

I rarely go to a store that isn't on my way to or from work. I would rather go a week without food than go five blocks out of my way to the grocery store. I will subsist on hot dogs and Twizzlers from the gas station across the street. However, I massively lucked out on this one: there is a Walgreens next door to my work. While I'm not under the delusion that I spend enough there to own the store by now, I do think I probably pay the wages of a check-out clerk or two. Walgreens is heaven on earth to me. I could (and often do) go in to by a pop, and will come out with two magazines, a framed picture of a palm tree, a lotion/bodywash/loofah set that was 50% off(!!), a can of car polish, a box of fat-free cookies, and the latest "As Seen On TV" special purchase, specifcally a whisk that IS ALSO TONGS. I'm not kidding. It's a whisk and tongs in one! Oh, Walgreens, you are the sweet honey of the gods. Oh, yeah, I also probably forgot to buy the pop. Shoot.

I occassionally forget to eat because I am laying in bed watching TV and don't feel like getting up.

I will do laundry, only to have the clean clothes sit in the laundry basket for two weeks because I'm too lazy to fold them.

If it gets to be late and I'm watching TV and the regular channel goes off air and one of those infomercials comes on, by all means I will watch it if the remote isn't within reaching distance.

I have not, however, reached the pinnacle of laziness that some people here at my work have. Which is taking the elevator in a TWO STORY BUILDING. I kid you not...there are two floors at my work and people will wait for the elevator to come for a full three minutes rather than going three feet to the right and going up ONE flight of stairs. Granted, these are also the people who weigh approximately eight hundred pounds, so it's a vicious cycle...are they not taking the stairs because they are too fat or are they too fat from not taking the stairs? My friends, this is the question of the ages.


RB^2 said...

did you know that walgreens has "dollar" items on their "miscellaneous" aisle? the spatulas sell like ramen noodles...ten for one...i also found a vegatable peeler...a godsend i tell you--try peeling kiwi fruit any other way and you'll end up in the E.R....not that I can afford kiwi...but you get my point.

greyguitar said...

pardon me, i'm a blog stalker. hahah.

first off..AH! I bought 4 kiwi for a $1 last night at the grocery store! haha. ok, now that that's off my chest..

secondly, i can relate to everything you said in this post minus the subsisting on hotdogs and twizzlers. i only like burnt hotdogs and thus would only care for hamburgers and twizzlers.

95% of the time i carry all of my groceries into my house. and the bad thing is, i generally put them in my trunk and i have no light back there, so it's 10x worse when you have them all on your arms and circulation is going fast and then you realize that the mustard has fallen out in the trunk and it's just sitting there, staring at you in it's vibrant yellow (b/c that's about all i can see in the dark trunk) and then you have to maneuver your swollen fingers to pick it up and you're completely satisfied with throwing it in the grocery bag with the bread because it's the top bag because you really, really wanted to keep it from getting crushed but at that point it doesn't matter anymore.

and breathe.


Mr. H.K. said...

Yeah, those second floor elevator people are REALLY annoying. They are everywhere, too.