Thursday, February 10, 2005

@.com

I work two jobs, both of which involve me seeing dozens of email addresses on a daily basis. There are several kinds of email addresses. Below I have provided a handy breakdown because I had nothing better to do for the past ten minutes.

1. joe.smith@xxx.com - Boring yet functional. I appreciate these. They make sense. They are easy. They are professional. Sometimes these are followed by a string of number meant to differentiate you from all the other Joe Smiths, which is a problem you wouldn't have if your parents had been just a bit more creative, jackass.

2. xe45sk35@xxx.com - Then there are the ones that make no sense to anyone but the person who created it, and maybe not even to them. Maybe all of the ones they wanted were taken already so they went with the randomly generated one suggested by the email service. Or perhaps they are aliens from another planet, or Ohio, and that really is their name. Either way, don't expect me to memorize it.

3. johnnysmom@xxx.com, soccerlizard@xxx.com - Descriptive, but boring. Can be pretty cute. Not much to say about this type. Although if your entire sense of being is derived from your role as Johnny's mom, you might want to check out a yoga class or something. Get out of the house for a couple of hours. I bet you're the type who asks your husband if he has to use the "potty" in public.

4. none@none.com, a@b.com - Bad news for you, bucko. This is a fake email address. That hot girl with the huge tits who just gave this to you? She was lying. Brushing you off for that hot, George-Clooney-lookalike sitting behind you. Next time try a better line than "Can I borrow a quarter? I have to call my mom to let her know I met the girl of my dreams!" Because a) no girl wants to date a guy that doesn't even have a quarter to his name and b) you're obviously way too close too your mom, and will most likely call her to discuss every detail of your life, including the first time we sleep together and what pants to wear tomorrow.

5. hotblackchocolatemama69@xxx.com, ilovebjs@xxx.com, takeitfrombehind@xxx.com - Then there are emails that would make your mother blush. Why do people create email addresses that might embarrass them if anyone actually uses it to send them an email? Do you think that if you write one of these emails down on a job application the hiring manager is going to be blown away with your professionalism? (There's a dirty joke there...heh heh.) Although this type of email address might actually bolster your case for that stripper - pardon me - clothing removal engineer - job.

(What a coincidence that all of these examples had the same email provider! Such a small world.)

Word of advice...stick with the first three. I guarantee you that if you give the last type out to anyone, they will laugh at you and eagerly share it with their co-workers to spread the joy. Unless you're a whore. In which case, what are you doing later?

12 comments:

Bob said...

You are hilarious! A laugh riot! On top of that, a really good writer. I check out your blog every day for the next bits of widsom that you will share. I have been doing so ever since you were so kind to comment about a posting of mine a while back concerning Johnny Carson's passing. Keep up the terrific writing!

The Author said...

You have a great perspecive on the world. I really appreciate that.

Plus, you were the first person to vote for me for my CONTEST and I really appreciate that (I'm not winning by the way - not enough votes!).

I posted a link to your blog. Hope you don't mind. If you do, I'll certainly remove it (easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, eh?).

Dave Morris said...

That's it. I'm linking too. I can't pass up a bandwagon event.

Signed,
Dave
http://daveswindow.blogspot.com

email: leatherdaddywithchains@possumstompingstillettos.com

Caroline said...

I have to agree with you about the email addresses that people should be embarrassed about. I work with college students and it amazes me that they will put those email addresses on their resumes.
I posted a reply to your comment on my blog, BTW. Thanks for checking it out. I just posted a new entry if you get a chance. Have fun in Europe this summer!

Jamie said...

I just had to inform you that this post totally cracked me up. However, now I'm curious to what you think of the jane@janedoe.com model.....

Scuba Steve said...

whoa baby, you got a nice wiggle to ya... you should get a hold of me if you are ever 'down with the swirl.'


mypecksarethesizeofnextwednesday@bulgingpackage.edu.hotman.org

corey said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! My funny bone has asked me where have you been all my life! Don't ever stop!

HatHead said...

lol!

exile said...

i don't think i like my e-mail now, i have to explaine mine every frigg'n time to people. "what's an underscore?" sweet dead baby jesus.

LeRoy said...

The same phenomenon happens with signature quotes that get tagged on automatically at the end of emails. I once emailed the President of my University with a grossly offensive sig quote on my email. I blamed it on a virus..hell, here I come.

Blogman said...

This was hilarious. So hilarious that you make me jealous and wishing I had thought of it first.

Blogger said...

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