@.com

I work two jobs, both of which involve me seeing dozens of email addresses on a daily basis. There are several kinds of email addresses. Below I have provided a handy breakdown because I had nothing better to do for the past ten minutes.

1. joe.smith@xxx.com - Boring yet functional. I appreciate these. They make sense. They are easy. They are professional. Sometimes these are followed by a string of number meant to differentiate you from all the other Joe Smiths, which is a problem you wouldn't have if your parents had been just a bit more creative, jackass.

2. xe45sk35@xxx.com - Then there are the ones that make no sense to anyone but the person who created it, and maybe not even to them. Maybe all of the ones they wanted were taken already so they went with the randomly generated one suggested by the email service. Or perhaps they are aliens from another planet, or Ohio, and that really is their name. Either way, don't expect me to memorize it.

3. johnnysmom@xxx.com, soccerlizard@xxx.com - Descriptive, but boring. Can be pretty cute. Not much to say about this type. Although if your entire sense of being is derived from your role as Johnny's mom, you might want to check out a yoga class or something. Get out of the house for a couple of hours. I bet you're the type who asks your husband if he has to use the "potty" in public.

4. none@none.com, a@b.com - Bad news for you, bucko. This is a fake email address. That hot girl with the huge tits who just gave this to you? She was lying. Brushing you off for that hot, George-Clooney-lookalike sitting behind you. Next time try a better line than "Can I borrow a quarter? I have to call my mom to let her know I met the girl of my dreams!" Because a) no girl wants to date a guy that doesn't even have a quarter to his name and b) you're obviously way too close too your mom, and will most likely call her to discuss every detail of your life, including the first time we sleep together and what pants to wear tomorrow.

5. hotblackchocolatemama69@xxx.com, ilovebjs@xxx.com, takeitfrombehind@xxx.com - Then there are emails that would make your mother blush. Why do people create email addresses that might embarrass them if anyone actually uses it to send them an email? Do you think that if you write one of these emails down on a job application the hiring manager is going to be blown away with your professionalism? (There's a dirty joke there...heh heh.) Although this type of email address might actually bolster your case for that stripper - pardon me - clothing removal engineer - job.

(What a coincidence that all of these examples had the same email provider! Such a small world.)

Word of advice...stick with the first three. I guarantee you that if you give the last type out to anyone, they will laugh at you and eagerly share it with their co-workers to spread the joy. Unless you're a whore. In which case, what are you doing later?