I Need the Brown...Encyclopedia Brown.

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was so proud of my Valentine's Day post. I mean, I actually did research on it. I feel like I am pretty much qualified to have my own show on the History Channel now. Like R. Lee Ermey and "Mail Call." Except I'd call it "Male Call." I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

So, if you are a longtime fan of this column, which no one is because it hasn't been around for a long time, you may remember that a week or so ago my car broke down. I had it towed to a local service station for repair. Yesterday, when I called to check on the status, I was told, "It's going along fine, should be ready soon, and by the way, someone broke into it last week."

What?

Someone broke into my car while it was at your service shop??

This happened last week and I'm just finding out today??? (Note the progressive addition of question marks. This is how we scholars indicate "increasing incredulousness.")

Then Roger-the-scurvy-repairman had the gumption to suggest that I had something to do with it. "They broke out the driver's side window. It looks like an inside job. It had to have been someone who knew the car was here. It was a real clean job, and they didn't touch any other cars."

Um, Roger? The only people who know where my car is are me, my boyfriend, and my parents. And my parents gave up their life of crime years ago as a condition of their parole. If it was an inside job, I think it might have been someone on your side. Other clues that indicate to me that this was an inside job:

1. They didn't call the police when it happened.
2. A 6-CD changer is not stock with my car. You also can't tell that one is there by looking in the window, because the stereo is still stock and the CD controls are covered by a little flap. So someone looking to steal a stereo wouldn't go to my car, they would have gone to one of the other much nicer cars in the lot.
3. I forgot that I had the CD changer in my trunk (I never use it, due to my laziness. Like I'm going to actually go outside and get in my trunk to change the CDs. Especially in the winter!), so when he said that they broke into my trunk, my response was "Great! There's nothing of value in there!" His reply? "Yeah, you had a 6-CD changer back there." Now how on earth would he know that? The repair didn't require going in my trunk. If they took the changer, there would be no evidence that it was in there. How curious.
4. He almost forgot to tell me - it was an afterthought right before we hung up.
5. He left one voicemail on my phone last week and didn't mention it at all.
6. He initially said "I hired someone to break into your car...er, I mean, someone broke into your car..." No, I kid, he didn't say that. But I wish he had. And if he had, I wish I had been recording the conversation.

I called the cops (that's bobbies if you're reading this from the U.K.) and filed a police report over the phone. Apparently, they don't actually need to come out and collect evidence. They just took my word for it. Don't they need to check for fingerprints or anything? HELLO, PEOPLE, MY CAR WAS BROKEN INTO. I think that just might be a little more important than that murdered guy down the street. He's not going anywhere, and I'm still alive. HELLO!

Where's Gil Grissom when you need him? Or even Encyclopedia Brown? They'd have this figured out immediately.

I also have to call my insurance company today. I am going to let them deal with the station's insurance company. I think the station would be liable for something, wouldn't you? That was another thing...besides not calling the police or letting me know what happened, he never mentioned insurance or that they'd help me take care of anything - just that he put plastic over the window. WOW, thanks. That makes up for everything! Who needs an actual window when you can have plastic?

What a nice guy.