Field Guide to Valentine's Day

Yes, men of America (do they celebrate Valentine's Day anywhere else?), it is that time of year again. The time of red and pink hearts, of candy and roses (conveniently marked up 120%), and of Al Capone and massacres.

Men, here's the deal. We (and by 'we', I mean your collective wives, fiancees, girlfriends, female best friend whose pants you have been trying to get in for the past two years, and one-night stand that kind of turned into an ongoing regular thing) all know it's a commercial holiday that has been exploited by Hallmark. Really, what did St. Valentine ever do for us that is worthy of celebrating? Where did this holiday come from? Even the History Channel doesn't know! And what the History Channel doesn't know isn't worth knowing (unless the Discovery Channel knows it, and then it is. And if they both know it, then it should be tattooed on your chest.).

"The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery." - So-called "historian" from the History Channel. If he really was a historian, wouldn't he know?

One theory (mine) is that this so-called "Saint Valentine" was actually a Hallmark executive who traveled back in time to ruin this day for men from the third century on. This is evident from the following line:

"Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure." - Same so-called "historian" from the History Channel.

No man without something to gain, most likely lots and lots of money, would be sympathetic, heroic, and romantic. Definitely not all at once. Unless maybe he was gay. Or Robin Hood. Who might have been gay.

I also learned that in Roman times, the holiday was celebrated in a very, um, unusual way, with a much more obvious show of love and affection:

"The boys then sliced the goat's hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips." - Same so called "historian" from the History Channel. Boy, this guy is smart!

I mean, really, what screams love like being whipped with a bloody goat strip? That's pretty hot if you ask me. It also sounds like the name of a metal band: The Bloody Goat Strips.

Afterwards, the Romans continued the fun by whoring out their young girls:

"Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city's bachelors would then each choose a name out of the urn and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage." - Is there nothing you don't know?

Can you just see that? "Oh, god, I got Johnny again. He does that weird thing with his pinkie, remember? Sigh. Oh, well, I just have to sleep with him for a year. Who'd you get? Oh, wow, you are like, totally lucky. Everyone wants Bobby! He's incredible in bed. Susie is going to be sooooooooooooo jealous!"

So now that we all know the history of this special day, I can continue with what I started to say six paragraphs and four quotes ago. To refresh your memory, I was talking (or rather, you were reading) about how this holiday is commercialized. This is true. No argument from me. However, guys, this is the one time of the year (okay, besides our birthday) that we expect a mushy card and a gratuitous display of affection. Preferably in the form of a two-pound box of chocolates from Godivia. And thirty-six roses, because the dozen thing is just so tired. And maybe that 2.5 carat diamond solitaire ring.

If you play your cards right on those two days (Valentine's and birthday), then you can skate through the rest of the year. And if those two days happen to be on the same day, then you are gold. We have condensed all of our lofty expectations for romance into this one, single day. One day out of 365. So don't think of it as a commercialized holiday created to boister sales of cards, think of it as an escape. As a safety line. We women are actually giving you the easy way out! Plus we like chocolate.

So print out this handy holiday check list to see where you will stand with your woman (or women, I guess. You dog!). Adjust if necessary.

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

__ Mushy card: 5 points.
Add an additional two points for each handwritten paragraph. Subtract one if any paragraph contains a phrase found on a candy conversation heart, and it's minus two if you spell the word love as "luv." Add another point for each 3D element of the card. Finally, add another point for each square inch over the standard card size.

__ Roses: 1 point each.
Double the points if the roses are longstem. Triple the points if they are delivered to her work for all of her co-workers to "Ohhh" and "Ahhh" over to her face but secretly want to kill her in a jealous rage. Quadruple the points if her bouquet is larger than that of any of her other co-workers, even that new girl with her "perfect" husband who everyone knows is sleeping around on her. If you personally deliver the roses dressed in a bear suit, stop taking this right now. That's a little creepy.

__ Chocolate: 1 point for each fat gram that she will later complain has gone straight to her hips.
Add two points if they are caramel, because those are my favorites. And send me some, would ya?

__ Stuffed animal: 15 points.
Add five points if the stuffed animal has a special significance that only you two would understand (i.e. if you give her a bee because you call her "honey," or a fish because your first date was at a seafood restaurant, or a puppy because your favorite position is doggie style). Add two points if said animal is holding a heart. Subtract one if "I love you" is embroidered on the heart in cursive. That's cheesy.

__ Jewelry: See below. Double any points for 24 carat gold, triple for platinum. Add 20 points for each semi-precious stone, add 30 points for each diamond under 1 carat, and 50 points for each diamond larger than one carat.
Tennis bracelet: 100 points.
Earrings: 200 points.
Necklace: 300 points.
Ring: a. Engagement ring: One million points. You win! You hit the jackpot and are guaranteed a lay tonight, and at least a couple times a week for the next few years. Until your marriage becomes repetitive and you start to take her for granted, and she stops shaving for you. But it's a start, at least.
b. Other ring: 400 points.
c. Other ring when she was expecting an engagement ring: Subtract all point earned thus far and get yourself some good lotion. You're going to need it in the future!

Add all of your points up. More than five should get you laid. More than 100 should get you laid for the next week or so and get you a good "guys' night out." More than 1,o00 and you are making the rest of the male species look really bad, and you could probably get your best friend's girlfriend into bed if you wanted to. You know, if she's really hot.