Monday, February 14, 2005

A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?

First, let me say, I love technology. Whether it's the ability to take 1,500 pictures on my Sony Cybershot digital camera or listen to several days worth of music on my Creative Zen Micro or check my email using my Sony Vaio from a wi-fi hotspot like Panera Bread (Sony, Creative, and Panera, feel free to send me free stuff in appreciation of those endorsements), I love it.

However, I am getting the distinct impression that technology thinks it knows what I want better than I do.

For instance, MS Word's autoformatting. I'm typing in Ariel, and then all of the sudden it decides I should be using Times. And that my paragraphs need to be numbered. And indented 1.2 inches. Which is good, because otherwise it might look how I want it to look. And apparently, I don't know what I want.

My space heater knows me better than I know myself too. It decides when I'm warm enough and shuts off. But what if I'm not warm enough? Some might say that the shut-off is a fire-prevention measure, but I think the heater's just being a smartass.

My computer decides when I'm done using it and goes to sleep. My MP3 player does the same thing. Which is fine, because I didn't want to listen to the rest of that Journey album anyways.

My computer's auto-fill feature lets me know what I was trying to write. I thought I was looking up information on Spaceghost, but apparently I really wanted to look up spaghetti recipes. Spell check does the same thing. I know I wrote hotspot, but, as the computer knows, I meant "hodgepodge."

The treadmill at the gym decides how long I need to cool down for and at what speed. Otherwise I might run forever, never knowing when to stop. Or worse, stop early and suffer the consequence of an uncooled muscle.

The toilet decides when I need to flush. Regardless of if I was done or not. Then the toilet paper dispenser somehow is able to discern that I only need three squares of toilet paper. After that, the sink decides how much water I need and at what temperature (usually, apparently, icy cold is what works for me) and that I need exactly one squirt of soap.

Doors decide when I need to enter or leave a building by opening or closing, the vending machine at work decided I needed a diet Cherry Pepsi instead of the Mountain Dew I thought I wanted, and the Taco Bell drive through knew that I really wanted a Chalupa Supreme instead of the Chicken Soft Taco that I had ordered.

I am very happy that technology has taken over all of these processes for me and that really, I have to do very little thinking on my own anymore. This leaves extra space in my head for more important things, such as memorizing important lines from Napolean Dynomite. Now excuse me, I have to go build a cake or something. Gosh.

15 comments:

joslik said...

Sounds like you need some Old Kentucky Shark :)

I always get the wrong soda from the machine as well - it knows I'm coming. Although I have gotten quite good at "Fonz-ifying" the one at work. All I have to do is give it a well-placed hit with my fist and it spills forth it's delicious mountain dew...

Bob said...

You're right AMG, the more technology we get, the worse off we are. Same with "customer service" too. Because, dammit, the machine is there to do what I want it to do...........right?

Oh well.....

As usual, another very well written blog.

Crystal said...

My DVD player is a snobby little bitch. It refuses to play, "Evil Dead". It just spits it back at me like I'm trying to feed it cough medicine or toe lint.

One day I will show it who's boss. One day... oh, yes.

casurf said...

I just finished taming a wild honey moon stalon for ya, so I had just enough time to enjoy my tots and practice my skills beofre i commented on your blog.
your a great writer, and great examples as well.
Keep up the great work

Heather said...

My DVD player has a parental lock on it. No human programmed said parental lock, so no one knows the code to unlock it. Meanwhile, I'm stuck watching Garden State and Office Space on my computer.

Robert said...

I love technology, but not as much as your blog, you see... But I STILL love technology

Whitney said...

And there really isn't much more to life than memorizing "Napoleon Dynamite"...I, myself, am focusing on the dance scene right now and I plan to perform it in front of my entire office, moon boots and all.

Robert said...

PLEASE record that so we can all share in it.

Sandra said...

I HATE autofill on the computer! I had to redo my unemployment form three times before I got it write because of autofill...

David said...

You actually get one squirt of soap? No fair.

Walking Wounded said...

Wow, that's so cool! I will be relocating to the Lincoln, NE from NY later this spring. I am am glad to hear that they have Panera Bread locations in that neck of the woods. Wi-Fi hotspots are the bomb! Later...

HatHead said...

this is exactly why i have come back to the present from the future - to save the future!

Kitsune said...

Now you've done it! You said it aloud, on the internet of all places! You technology will now not only be messing with you, it will be plotting.

Oh, and about that MP3 player, ironically, I am listening to Journey right now. It wouldn't happen to be editing "Rubycon" would it???

The Author said...

They always FUCK you at the drive through! I wrote about that here.

Well written blog, it's all true, every word of it.

Did you know I have some real good skills?

I do.

NB.
Heather, you're just about the best looking blogger I've ever seen.

exile said...

give in to our tecnological overmind. it is it's will. if you don't it's going to bend you over, spread your access point and download your brains out!