Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Take Two Aspirin* and Call Me in the Morning

I realize that it's been nearly a full week since I last posted. I apologize to anyone who may be suffering from AMG withdrawal. Symptoms may include uncontrollable sobbing, a deep depression, and extreme weight gain since you had nothing to do but watch "Full House" reruns and eat Cheetos.

It's this new job...I actually have stuff to do, and I'm not used to that. I'm used to working maybe 5% of the time and surfing the internet the remaining 95% of the time. So this...what's it called again? work? ...is something new for me.

Today on my lunch break I went and got waxed (I'll leave what I got waxed to your imagination but suffice it to say it involved some interesting body contortions). The lady who does it is this old Russian lady, and the whole experience is quite traumatizing. Yes, it's painful and a little embarrassing, but to top that, she has this giant lighted magnifying glass that she looks through and attacks you with tweezers after the initial waxing. I think she can actually see down to the atomic level with that thing and is attacking each hair on a nuclear level. She also is fond of announcing "I see you eeve a peemple! A beeg peemple! Dis is bad!" or "What eepened ere? Ees dis cell-u-dite?" and providing colorful local remedies, like killing a newborn puppy and putting the fresh blood on a pimple to get rid of it, or rubbing a turnip on your ass, burying it (the turnip, not your ass) under a Willow tree for five days, then digging it up when the moon is full and eating it raw to get rid of cellulite. Sometimes she scolds me for things in Russian while pinching various parts of my body. She could be telling me I need to lose five pounds or that I need to gain five pounds, or maybe she just has a fetish for masochism. Or maybe it's just a big inside Russian joke and she's laughing at me trying to figure out what the hell she is saying. "Ha, ha! Look eet dis dumb Amreekan babushka!"

Speaking of...um...nothing relevant, really, I also have some new additions to my office to report: A phone! And a file cabinet! And a computer! And some random wires! Right now they are all sitting on the floor, unplugged and unused. My desk should be here on Friday. Which is perfect timing since I go out of town tomorrow for a week and won't be able to use it. But that's the corporate way, and it wouldn't be a Fortune 500 company if that's not how things went.

I leave tomorrow afternoon to fly to Austin for the South by Southwest Film festival. I have, of course, 8,784,189 things to do before then, and very little time to do them since I have school tonight (a midterm, no less!) and I am working a half-day tomorrow. This would be a good time to let my clone out of her cage...this is exactly the kind of thing that I had her made for. And people actually argue against this whole cloning thing! Ingrates.

*By aspirin I mean two shots of Jack.


The Author said...

Are you TRYING to get me fired from my job? I mean, how many more images of you naked do I need before I just start surfing porn at work on the off chance I come across (hehe) a picture of you from a couple years back when you got a little tipsy and your boyfirend got out that camera and promised not to show ANYBODY, let alone post it on the internet.... I need a cold shower.

Have fun at the SxSW festival!!!!

Jess said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog! You are hilarious! I am going to link to your blog from mine, if that is ok?!


Robert said...

Thanks for posting again. Aside from AMG withdrawals, the last post available was about serious Burt Reynolds guy-on-guy action. Personally, I'd like to leave that mental image behind.

Anonymous said...

Oh thank God.
I was suffering from serious withdrawal.
Just tell me you will be posting from the festival.
I can't go another week!
Please, just one more hit, I swear it'll be the last, c'mon AMG, just a little one.
I need it so bad...

Anonymous said...

That last was posted by me.
Jeez, I'm so messed up when I'm AMG cold turkey, I don't know what I'm doing...

NJ said...

LOL, Your comments are almost as good as your blog! Great post, next time don't wait so long. :-)

Dave Morris said...

You've made me want to go out and get a wax!!

No you haven't.

Welcome back.

Walking Wounded said...

Fortune 500 logic, gotta love it! Wow, waxing on a lunch break? Damn, that masochistic russian must rip right through your, ahem, region. Russian people are too funny when they speak broken english and try to include you in on the conversation. I have a generic interested and "I got it" look I use that always works.


LeRoy said...

I will deny ever making this comment because of its incriminating nature but, remember what happened (deep breath) Multiplicity when people started screwing around with clones. Next thing you know the retarded one is eating your dog and the horny one is making our with your brother. I'm just saying..

Kitsune said...

"By aspirin I mean two shots of Jack."

So, does that mean you are taking 4 shots with each asprin being a double? I am confused. I don't want to under-dose... Maybe I misunderstood my question.