Go Pee Prior To Reading

Mitch Hedberg died on Wednesday at the ripe young age of 37. He is (I mean was) a very funny comedian who did a great job deadpanning one-liners, kind of like "Deep Thoughts." He could be a tad annoying to watch, but if you got past that it was great. And to be honest...I thought it was an April Fool's joke when I first read it last night, so I feel a little guilty for laughing and thinking "Ha! That's great! I should post MY death!" And then I kept reading, and realized it was real and that I was horrible for laughing at someone's demise. Whoops.

So in honor of Mitch...here are some of my favorites.

When you go a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They say "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two," and if no one answers they'll say the name again, "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.

I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "Please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait." Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I got a Reese's candy bar, and if you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says, "Let me have that," you better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 a.m. and there was a sign that said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey I was here at 3 a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology!"

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!

I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's another way you can take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes!" I was like "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2,000 of something.

I wrote a letter to my dad. I wrote, 'I really enjoy being here.' But I accidentally wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away.

A the end of a letter I like to write 'P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be extremely angry with me for saying that.