Friday, May 06, 2005

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight, or Should I Walk by Again?

I am notoriously bad at knowing when I am getting hit on. I am very friendly and open by nature, and will talk to anyone. So I have a tendency to think guys (and the occasional female) are just very friendly. "Oh, how nice! This gentleman would like to purchase an alcoholic beverage for me as a symbolic gesture of our budding friendship!"

Even when they actually try a pick up line, I just think they are being funny. "Ha, ha! Can you bust a nut in my hole? You are too silly!"

Guys do talk to me a lot, but I always assume that it's due to my genial* nature and friendly smile. So by the time they get around to asking for my number and I figure out that I am being hit on, it's a little awkward. At that point I will tell them that I have a boyfriend, but since I let them go for so long (remember, I just thought they were being friendly, I wasn't trying to be a cock tease!), they think I'm making the boyfriend up and that it's just an excuse NOT to give out my number. No, I'm not a bitch! I thought you were just NICE! I didn't realize you wanted to sleep with me!

Yesterday, I was at the gym and, as I was leaving, I saw a guy I went to grade school with. We'll call him "Brian," because I love Brian on "Family Guy" and also because that's his name. So we catch up for a bit, and he says, "Hey, want to grab a beer sometime?" I love beer. I also love catching up with old friends. So I say, "Sure!" and we exchange numbers.

Now, to me, that was just two people who used to be friends getting together to gossip about people they went to grade school with over a drink. However, when I told a girlfriend about this and she analyzed the conversation word-for-word and studied my impression of his voice inflections and such, she determined that by "grab a beer" he meant "go on a date and have hot monkey sex."


* Did you know that, in addition to being an adjective meaning "having a pleasant or friendly disposition or manner," genial also is a noun meaning "of or relating to the chin"?? Huh. Learn something new every day.


echrai said...

Wow, you really remind me of a friend of mine from middle/high school. She was incredibly pretty, just like you, and equally bad at recognizing come ons. I'd have to tell her "he's hitting on you." She'd keep saying, "No... why would you think that?" And then constantly got herself into trouble when she didn't believe me.

As a sidenote - makes it really interesting when you talk about the rash in your genial region - yes, really just poison ivy. (No, I don't have a rash there and don't ask me how you'd get poison ivy there, but it's a lot more logical than getting it in the genital region. I was just pointing out amusing ways to work something that appears almost dirty into conversations.)

people hello said...

do u know scott logan

The Author said...

LOVE the new pic. No seriously, I do...

Want to go for a drink and then have hot monkey sex with me and my wife?

adrock2xander said...

"She was incredibly pretty, just like you." - echrai

Me thinks echrai is hittin on it may not know what hit you...

Before you know monkey sex may be the last thing on ya mind...

Bob said...

Does Brian look anything like Seth Green?

You know, the whole AMB/Seth Green/AMG thing.............

Oh well.

And AMG, thanks for the help again. I do appreciate it.


? said...

As a midwestern girl myself, I know the problem of having friendliness miscontrued. I think it's complicated by the fact that there's never a graceful time to say you have a boyfriend-- if you say it too soon, you look conceited ("Obviously I'm so hot that you must be hitting on me"), and if you wait, it becomes a different problem...

Brad said... is your friend

Derek said...

I have to say the whole friendly thing threw me for a big loop when I first moved to Missiouri. Being from Boston originally if women even think you are hitting on them they are gonna get their message across early in the conversation and if your not careful often too.

But when I moved to Missiouri I was like damn these girls are eating this shit up but come to find out thats just in their nature to be friendly.

So I have learned that to get lucky here in the midwest you have to do a few things to " score " .

1)Be friendly too and I mean be over the top goofy about it that way they feel comfortable when you do take them out for that beer.

2) Midwest girls love beer so drink up and when she ends up getting trashed she will remember oh I can stay at his place he is such a "nice" guy we wont have sex ....... and right as she is thinking that as you put a blanket over her on your couch bam she grabs ya and it's all over from there .........Score one for the "Nice Guys"

Anonymous said...

Derek! You fiend!
(Thanks for the tip.)

The truth is that, despite what "indie in summer" says you just have to mention the boyfriend earlier.

You just HAVE to work it in.
For example;

"Oh I did see that movie! Yeah, last week with my boyfriend."
"You're a democrat? Oh I am too but my boyfriend is a republican."
or maybe
"Do I want to grab a beer? Sure! Is it okay if we go to the "Skull and Crossbones Lounge"? My boyfriend, who is a 6"5' fire-fighting pro-wrestler, works there. He doesn't like me bringing other guys in but we had a huge fight this morning and I'm sure it would be okay for me to bring you in and sit all night getting drunk with you now."

And seriosuly, "Can I bust a nut in your hole?" Has anyone ever said that? I mean EVER? A man to a woman? Really?
C'mon, that's not even trying.


Anonymous said...


YAY! New pic! I get such a sense of occassion when you do this.
Cute. Adorable. Gorgeous.

And you look nice too AMG.

Ah yes, I am a funny guy.


Anonymous said...


Oh look, we don't have comments anymore, we have beautiful thoughts.

Well some of us have beautiful thoughts, some uf us have smutty fantasies.

That's life.


Beans said...

I tend to smile. You smile at a guy and they can already imagine their weiner and your boob. Simple minded them boys are.

The Ruler said...

This is God

Some I make pretty, some I make smart. I'm afraid you can't have it both ways. Unless of course you go out with me - don't worry I'm low maintenance. Well, pretty low. I am God after all, so standards must be upheld.

This was God

PS: I can see your monkey from here.

Mac said...

Don't listen to Boutros...but bean is okay and then there is God...though his current incarnation is suspect.

Fun post. Keep being cute and fun. (no boutros)

lindsey said...

that's funny, i always just ASSUME im getting hit on.

but then again, i am. so i guess it all works out in the end.

Scott Cunning said...

You need to be mentioning your boyfriend more often, particularly to male strangers who are making friendly with you. It'll clear up a lot of confusion on their part (and yours, as you'll find yourself figuring out why they were so friendly more quickly when they deflate upon hearing the word...)

Shawn said...

Wait... "Can I bust a nut in your hole?" doesn't work?! Crap... that explains a lot.

The Ruler said...

This is God

Don’t worry Mac – incarnations aren’t what they used to be. Actually the joke’s on all you mortals who honestly think I’m me. Really guys – don’t kill or tell lies? That’s just the pot calling the kettle black. Have a little common sense. Then again – I am God. Or not? I sometimes doubt myself – is that blasphemy?

This was God

Paladin said...

What a tease!

Nice pic, though

Mac said...

Good point rock

Yes, Lindsey, it is safe to say that both you and AMG are constantly being hit on. Must be fun. get use to it. (no boutros)

Walking Wounded said...

You can get poison ivy or oak there by pissing in the woods and aiming at the wrong bush. No shit! happened to a buddy and it was the most funny (and sad) thing I have ever heard of.


scott c said...

aiming at the wrong bush... heh.

scott c said...

(this should be melded with my last comment)

While you are unable to tell when you are the hittee, I have this horrible inability to do any hitting upon.

I think it's because I think of how what I'm going to say is going to sound. And then I add a corny R. Kelly song or something underneath. And then add the part where the chick laughs in my face and runs off to tell her friends about it. *tear*

Don't cry for me. I've got it covered. *sniff*

Bridget Unnel said...

Hot monkey sex is sooo last year. I hear everyone is doing it chihuahua style now, complete with high-pitched yelping.

Geez said...

I've actually used the phrase, "crazy monkey sex" when propositioning women. A few times. It actually has an astoundingly high rate for success. (2 out of 3)

Paladin said...

Hmmmm- monkey sex vs. tiny dog sex...

Monkey sex sounds like a LOT more fun!

GPV said...

They had a multi-national tv program in France where UK,German,French,Swiss and Italian guys were critisizing each other.
Fun,here's one:
Italian- "There is something very vulgar about Frenchmen,if they invite a girl for dinner, they expect that girl to go to an Hotel after that,it's really disgusting"
French-"Yes,you're quite right,it is disgusting,let's change that,
from now on we'll go to the hotel room first.

Roonie said...

I would think the SAME THING!

Desultory Girl said...

OMG, I've been going through quite a bit of that lately. Male and female...eek! And at the gym, the very damn place at work.

It's tough when you're just a friendly, good natured person. For genial(I like that word) and good natured people, we assume everyone else is similar. By the time we've figured that their "friendliness" was nothing but an attempt for some asse, it feels awkward as hell and damn near painful.

Best wishes girly.