Friday, July 08, 2005

Just a Little Bigger Than Donkey Balls

Apparently the term "horseballs" is quite intriguing. I didn't know so many people had a vested interest in equestrian testicles.

Depending on what you were expecting, you may be disappointed, as the true context of the phrase does not involve actual horses, though it does involve balls. Golf balls, though, not testicle balls.

Horseballs is a really fun game that the folks in my circle have recently become acquainted with. It's one of those games that's a blast to play sober, and even more fun to play drunk. Like say for instance, Russian Roulette.

To play, you need two PCV pipe goals, and six throwy things made of two golf balls attached to a 18-inch or so long piece of string (or about the length of three average penises). See figure 1.

You set the goals up about 20 feet apart. Then you have two teams of two people, say Team A (for America) and Team E (for Evil) (I think we can all see who will win this). The teams split up and one person from each team goes and stands by each goal. From then on, it's a lot like horseshoes (or so I've been told, never having actually played that game). The person from Team A and the person from Team E alternate throwing horseballs until they have each thrown three (round one). Then the two players on the other side go (round two). And then the other side goes again (round three). And so on and so on. The goal is to wrap your horesballs around one of the three horizontal pipes. The top bar is worth three points; the middle, two points; and the bottom, 1 point. The first team to get 21 wins.

Here you can see our good buddy Jimmy and his $47.00 visor demonstrating a throw.

To score, each player adds up the points scored each round, and the player that scored the most points subtracts the other player's points. So say Team A threw a 3, a 2, and missed one, and Team E threw a 1 and two misses. Team A would get four points, and Team E would get 0 (Team A: 3+2+0=5; Team E: 1+0+0=1; 5-1=4).

Because Evil always loses to America. Hear that, terrorists? Watch yourselves!


Jess said...

I'm sorry, I didn'tunderstand a word you said...I was being hypnotized by Jimmy's shirt...

twitterpated said...

In the college crowd, it seems like horseballs and beanbags are a really big thing? Who would have thunk it?

The Author said...

Isn't it PVC not PCV pipe? I prefer the HASH pipe myself but to each his own I suppose.

I am creating this game for my cottage party this year.

How is the string attached to the golf ball? I screw with an eyelet or something?

What type of string is used? Do you know what guage it is?

Fred said...

I'm going to try using this technique for my golf swing. Maybe I'll see an improvement.

The Man said...

Woot! "Equestrian testicles" I love it when you talk dirty... "equestrian" is so dirty. *shiver*. But did you really stop to reflect how this is going to turn out - we harass you about something, until you cave in and give us all we want. Oh no, that won't be exploited.

I'm afraid I can't see any average penises on figure 1, only guys in ill-fitting clothes. Is my computer no set up properly? Am I lagging? Is it a crack (not the penis... I can tell the difference)?

I really want to play this game. But if Team Evil always wins, imagine what kind of damage team Evil America could do... oh wait. Didn't quite think that one through.

BTW: Boutros, if you can screw with an eyelet, you might want to see a doctor - that ain't normal fella (6 inch average;see above).

The Man

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Did terrorists eliminate the average size penises from Figure 1? Does Satan have any more of those hats?

Walking Wounded said...

Unless that stove top hat is a Kangol he got ripped off major!

Dealin' Dave's stand, eh? I'll have to keep an eye out for that when I am in town.

I shudder at the thought of how this game got its name. Apparently, enough horses were castrated at the same time to give players enough set to sling.


Anonymous Midwest Girl said...


I have no idea what gauge the string is - thin enough to tie in a knot, but thick enough to not break. To attach the balls, though, you drill a hole in them, then pass the string through and tie a knot and the end. You also have to tie a knot right after the golf ball so it doesn't move. It looks like this:


- is string, x is knot, and 0 is golf ball.

Good luck, it's a FUN, FUN game.

And Wounded, it actually IS a Kangol hat. Or so he says!

Neil said...

I've never heard of this game before, but I think I''m seeing horseballs in the Olympics of 2016. Keep on playing. Team USA is going to need a topnotch coach.

annie! said...

just from figure 1, i thought the goal of the game was to hit the person-standing-behind-the-posts' balls... with the golf balls on string.

i'm retarded. but the real game looks fun!

LocuTus of Borg said...

Jess thats funny! I'm going to have to go buy some PVC piping this weekend >;)

Mon said...

I am all over this! Drunken fun in the sun, throwing balls where men can be pegged with them, did I say that? Seriously, I am gonna get this going! I will fully credit AMG! lol.

TYSEN said...

I am not usually a fan of drinking games (didn't actually read the text, I just look at the pictures), but that game looks super fun!