Thursday, July 07, 2005

Safety is My Middle Name.

I want to thank those of you who wrote to me expressing thoughts along the line of "You are so f*cking lucky that you didn't f*ing kill yourself or anyone this last weekend with illegal fireworks, you dumb shit!"

To that, I would like to say: You obviously hate America.

To everyone else, I would like to reassure you all that I do, in fact, take safety very seriously and had in place several precautions to ensure that I would not be harmed.

- I drank several beers prior to launching the fireworks so I would be more hydrated and better able to defend myself against fire.

- I wore a skirt, tank top, and sandals, thus ensuring that a stray ember only had a 70% chance of hitting my bare skin.

- I only lit of fireworks with people who had been drinking copious amounts of beer all night, since, after all, there is safety in numbers.

- After about an hour, I realized that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to be using lighters as flashlights to look through the boxes that were storing the unused fireworks, so I went and got actual flashlights.

- I made sure there were several young children within grabbing distance with whom I could shield myself should an errant firework shoot my way.

See? I was so safe. In fact, I am doing the Safety Dance right now because I was so safe. Is there a Miss Safety? Because I could totally be her if there is.

17 comments:

The Man said...

Horseballs please.

Captain Bee said...

Exactly. Safety first and foremost.

Kitsune said...

Everybody look at your hands.

Spexial said...

lmao..opinions are like assholes..everybody has one..

Bridget Unnel said...

Safety Dance? "We can go where we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Because your friends can't dance and if they can't dance, well they're no friends of mine."

Please tell me you know what I'm on about so I'm not doubly lame!

*~BendersGurl~* said...

LMAO!!!!

guest said...

Funny girl! small children for shields just in case... :)

Why can't we have 4th of July fireworks every month?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

These rules should be posted in factories all across America. You are SO special.

Charlie Mc said...

I hope you kept a gallon or two of gasoline handy in case you needed to douse and stray flames....

Niccio Dartsmouth said...

and remember, when a firework does not seem to want to go off, always look down the barrel to check if it is still burning before you pick it up :)

kate said...

Hahahahaha... I think you should get a badge for being so safety conscious. LOL.

Robert said...

I thought your middle name was "Lewis".

Another good thing about the beer was if you did get any burns, you were already anestisized.

Oswald Croll said...

Using children as human shields.....that makes no sense. Old people are so much easier. They don't squirm a round as much and can't run away.

Really......lets put some thought and planning into or actions.

Tim said...

when I light off fireworks, I generally like to have alot of dry leaves or brush around incase a fire breaks out, you have something to throw on it to put it out.

Habibi said...

Clever. I'm especially a fan of grabbing children to shield yourself from errant fireworks. I mean, what *else* would you use them for?

With all this wit, are you *sure* you're from the Midwest?

x said...

I can't believe anyone would even doubt a midwest girl when it comes to firework safety. All girls from the midwest know that when engaged in bottle rocket wars you always and I mean ALWAYS wear your beer goggles.

Habibi said...

I was doubting her being a Midwesterner because she's clever. I'm from the Midwest, too. I know all about fireworks.