I have a wonderfully large, colorful bruise on my arm, as you can see here:
This bruise has brought out the protective, or perhaps morbidly curious, side of people everywhere. I can understand friends and family asking, but complete strangers? Now, even if there was some fantastically horrible story to go along with it (which, I assure you, there isn't), does the checkout girl at the grocery store think I'd tell her?
I have begun telling everyone who asks a different story*:
I was hit by a wild pitch playing in the final championship game of the Women's World Series of Baseball (we won!). It's my new tattoo. It's a battle scar from kicking AMBF's ass in a wrestling match. I was bitten by an unruly child, who I believe to be the spawn of Satan, as he was challenging his bedtime. I met up with the business end of an evil vacuum cleaner. I was beat up by an eight-year-old who was trying to cut in line while waiting for the new Harry Potter book. There are tiny gnomes that live in my basement and take an aberrant pleasure in secretly beating me during the night. I joined Fight Club. I'd tell you more, but the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. Three words: adult dodge ball. I was hit by a frog in a vicious game of frog volleyball (yes, it is what you think, and no, you don't want to know more). It was a freak masturbation accident. I hit myself in the arm with a golf ball while practicing my swing - yes, I'm that bad. A game of horseballs went wildly awry.
The totally boring truth is, I bruise easily, and it's not rare for me to wake up with a large bruise on my leg or back and no knowledge of how it got there.
For which reason I firmly believe the gnomes theory.
*Interestingly enough, one of these is the truth, and several of these are ways I have been bruised before. I totally made up the others, though. But the masturbation one you can attribute to Scott C...I don't know if he made that up or if that's from personal experience.
23 comments:
Was it the Harry Potter kid? Them's vicious. You should have given him/her(/herm? (Because sometimes you can't tell at that age.)) a dirt-flavoured jelly bean or a smack upside the head with a toaster.
(My real guess would be wrestling.)
You got viciously beaten by a midget, don't lie.
Owwww!
Those are the BEST bruise stories I've ever heard (I'll have to remember those...).
Since you bruise easily, you might try eating more salad and grapefruit (I think those are things with Vitamin K).
And if you take aspirin frequently, you might consider a different pain reliever.
:)
Isn't that a bottle of liquor on the counter behind you? And wouldn't that explain a lot?
;-)
I don't know what's going on with the bruise, but I'm totally digging the slight cat-eye-ness of your eyeliner. (Though the staring expression of your eyes is a little unnerving. Maybe its a side effect of the bruising.)
yeah, i was a little curious about the booze myself ;)
That looks pretty bad. I have a similar bruise on my left arm cause my best friend punched me the other night at dinner. We were having a fight over who would pay the bill and she clocked me. Not nice. I too bruise very easily and she used it to her advantage. LOL. I'm such a dork.
I also bruise easily, and my legs are COVERED with them. Nothing worse than pale, bruise-splotched legs in the summertime. At least YOU have a TAN!!
it is crazy how everyone hones in on a bruise, especially one that size. Usually, in my neck of the woods the first thought that occurs in everyone's mind is you were battered. Obviously, this is not true because despite your demure frame there would be many more shots of AMBF's many injuries. :)
Thank the lord for the tan, true! Also, it's pretty funny you are telling everyone around town a different story. Problem with my town is that everyone would eventually catch on. Cities rule!
Peace.
Horseballs.
I don't want to know.
I have two things to say:
1. OW! A bruise that colorful has GOT to hurt.
2. I'm betting on Horesballs excuse, because the bruise bears a strong resemblance in size and shape to a golf ball. Otherwise I'm with Drobby. Those HP kids are so freaking dangerous - and with vicious intent!!
C. Get well soon!
OMG! I almost forgot to mention how awesome that HUGE bottle of vodka is, in the background. What I can't figure out is why it's not completely empty!!!
Jamwell, holy god, I love your avatar. Fricking awesome!
Paladin, puh-lease. Like anyone would believe that AMBF would kick me out of bed for eating crackers. :)
Jodie, I used to take a multi-vitamin, but I keep forgetting. I need to start again.
Dave and Chris, nice sighting on the voldka bottle. Obviously you two are alcoholics of the highest class. :) And it was early afternoon - we'd just started on it!
NJ and Muse, thanks! I actually got kind of dressed up for an afternoon. Rarely do I actually make an effort. :)
Killer tattoo ya got there!
holy shit. you woke up and THAT was there? no fucking way...that's insane!
I had a burn on my arm that attracted more attention than I have ever received, well...ever. I told people it had something to do with a burning building and a trapped child/kitten/etc. Uh...I drunkenly burned my arm on a tray of cheese sticks as I took them out of the oven. I still can't decide which story is better.
FYI - the latter is true. O' for the love of cheese sticks.
Woah, cool tattoo! err wait, I just read the post... nevermind.
At least it's a pretty bruise.
What are you doing to your eyes, miss?
I hope you smiled at anyone who asked about the bruise and told them that you're finally in love, and it's wonderful.
(I stole that from Amy Sedaris-- I'm not hating on the battered!)
that looks rough
Are you telling me you woke up and that was there? And you don't even remember anything that could've caused it?
Ummm... wanna go on a date?
PS - A couple more bruises and I'd call you the most perfectest girl in the universe.
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