Monday, July 18, 2005

Look at the Pretty Colors!

I have a wonderfully large, colorful bruise on my arm, as you can see here:



This bruise has brought out the protective, or perhaps morbidly curious, side of people everywhere. I can understand friends and family asking, but complete strangers? Now, even if there was some fantastically horrible story to go along with it (which, I assure you, there isn't), does the checkout girl at the grocery store think I'd tell her?

I have begun telling everyone who asks a different story*:

I was hit by a wild pitch playing in the final championship game of the Women's World Series of Baseball (we won!). It's my new tattoo. It's a battle scar from kicking AMBF's ass in a wrestling match. I was bitten by an unruly child, who I believe to be the spawn of Satan, as he was challenging his bedtime. I met up with the business end of an evil vacuum cleaner. I was beat up by an eight-year-old who was trying to cut in line while waiting for the new Harry Potter book. There are tiny gnomes that live in my basement and take an aberrant pleasure in secretly beating me during the night. I joined Fight Club. I'd tell you more, but the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. Three words: adult dodge ball. I was hit by a frog in a vicious game of frog volleyball (yes, it is what you think, and no, you don't want to know more). It was a freak masturbation accident. I hit myself in the arm with a golf ball while practicing my swing - yes, I'm that bad. A game of horseballs went wildly awry.

The totally boring truth is, I bruise easily, and it's not rare for me to wake up with a large bruise on my leg or back and no knowledge of how it got there.

For which reason I firmly believe the gnomes theory.


*Interestingly enough, one of these is the truth, and several of these are ways I have been bruised before. I totally made up the others, though. But the masturbation one you can attribute to Scott C...I don't know if he made that up or if that's from personal experience.

33 comments:

drobby said...

Was it the Harry Potter kid? Them's vicious. You should have given him/her(/herm? (Because sometimes you can't tell at that age.)) a dirt-flavoured jelly bean or a smack upside the head with a toaster.

(My real guess would be wrestling.)

Paladin said...

Actually... I'd have to say that the one right after the true one has a certain ring of truth as well based on your earlier report!

Captain Bee said...

You got viciously beaten by a midget, don't lie.

Jodie said...

Owwww!

Those are the BEST bruise stories I've ever heard (I'll have to remember those...).

Since you bruise easily, you might try eating more salad and grapefruit (I think those are things with Vitamin K).

And if you take aspirin frequently, you might consider a different pain reliever.

:)

Paladin said...

More possibilities...

1. When shooting a potato cannon, remember to keep the open end pointed AWAY!

2. I'm such a procrastinator, my birthmark did not appear until last week.

3. I was protecting Anon. Midwest Younger Sister from a gang of drunk, horny bikers.

4. I was part of a gang of drunk, horny bikers...

5. Its the scar from having my Siamese Twin removed. Now, I'm so LONELY!

6. Alien Implant Site... and they are telling me I cannot share any more at this time. I have to leave now.

7. What bruise?

8. It is actually a form of Stigmata... but instead of the Wounds of Christ, I am manifesting the Baseball Injuries of Yogi Berra.

9. My pet boa expressed his love a little... snugly yesterday! Want to see him? He's in my purse- hold on...

10. It's my sister's bruise actually. I'm just wearing it for her as she goes on her modelling gig.

11. I've been working on the old 'shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone' bit. So far, so good!

12. AMBF kicked me out of bed for eating crackers.

Dave Morris said...

Isn't that a bottle of liquor on the counter behind you? And wouldn't that explain a lot?

;-)

The Ruler said...

This is God

I move in mysterious ways.

And I don't mean with a limp and a hobble.

Beware the gnomes, they are my angels of righteous retribution.

This was God

NJ said...

Bruise or no bruise, I like that picture! :-)

The Muse said...

I don't know what's going on with the bruise, but I'm totally digging the slight cat-eye-ness of your eyeliner. (Though the staring expression of your eyes is a little unnerving. Maybe its a side effect of the bruising.)

jamwall said...

yeah, i was a little curious about the booze myself ;)

kate said...

That looks pretty bad. I have a similar bruise on my left arm cause my best friend punched me the other night at dinner. We were having a fight over who would pay the bill and she clocked me. Not nice. I too bruise very easily and she used it to her advantage. LOL. I'm such a dork.

e$ said...

I also bruise easily, and my legs are COVERED with them. Nothing worse than pale, bruise-splotched legs in the summertime. At least YOU have a TAN!!

Walking Wounded said...

it is crazy how everyone hones in on a bruise, especially one that size. Usually, in my neck of the woods the first thought that occurs in everyone's mind is you were battered. Obviously, this is not true because despite your demure frame there would be many more shots of AMBF's many injuries. :)

Thank the lord for the tan, true! Also, it's pretty funny you are telling everyone around town a different story. Problem with my town is that everyone would eventually catch on. Cities rule!

Peace.

Geez said...

Horseballs.

I don't want to know.

jevanking™ said...

Wow, that's a nasty one.

Unfortunately I'm leaving the Midwest so you'll just be my former Midwest blogging buddy.

I'll still read you blog, and I'll catch up as soon as I move to Cali. Take it easy.

guest said...

One of my best friends broke her foot by, of all ways, stepping off of the curb wrong. Nobody thought that was a very cool story so her other friends and I made up something a little more interesting to tell strangers. It is weird how perfect strangers ask about highly personal health issues sometimes. The fabricated story was such a hit she got several good dates from studs she wanted to go out with.

Chris F. said...

I have two things to say:

1. OW! A bruise that colorful has GOT to hurt.
2. I'm betting on Horesballs excuse, because the bruise bears a strong resemblance in size and shape to a golf ball. Otherwise I'm with Drobby. Those HP kids are so freaking dangerous - and with vicious intent!!
C. Get well soon!

Chris F. said...

OMG! I almost forgot to mention how awesome that HUGE bottle of vodka is, in the background. What I can't figure out is why it's not completely empty!!!

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Jamwell, holy god, I love your avatar. Fricking awesome!

Paladin, puh-lease. Like anyone would believe that AMBF would kick me out of bed for eating crackers. :)

Jodie, I used to take a multi-vitamin, but I keep forgetting. I need to start again.

Dave and Chris, nice sighting on the voldka bottle. Obviously you two are alcoholics of the highest class. :) And it was early afternoon - we'd just started on it!

NJ and Muse, thanks! I actually got kind of dressed up for an afternoon. Rarely do I actually make an effort. :)

Bridget Unnel said...

Killer tattoo ya got there!

Polly Prissy-Pants said...

Alien abduction?

Disgruntled said...

holy shit. you woke up and THAT was there? no fucking way...that's insane!

Paladin said...

But AMG- THAT is why it would be so funny!

Kitsune said...

Yowza!

Do more bruises mean more close-ups? ;)

Tell 'em you've been trying to grow a new arm outta your shoulder and it should pop out any day now!

Hope you heal up quick!

LocuTus of Borg said...

As from a fellow blogger - I think you achieve the "State of Rob" (SoR) which is drinkin and drinkin till things start blurring into one another. Thus thenext day the bruises that magically appear are do to SoR lol.

btw You look fantastic! Are you married? ;)

allison said...

I had a burn on my arm that attracted more attention than I have ever received, well...ever. I told people it had something to do with a burning building and a trapped child/kitten/etc. Uh...I drunkenly burned my arm on a tray of cheese sticks as I took them out of the oven. I still can't decide which story is better.

allison said...

FYI - the latter is true. O' for the love of cheese sticks.

TYSEN said...

Woah, cool tattoo! err wait, I just read the post... nevermind.

Neonalune said...

At least it's a pretty bruise.

Roonie said...

What are you doing to your eyes, miss?

mysterygirl! said...

I hope you smiled at anyone who asked about the bruise and told them that you're finally in love, and it's wonderful.

(I stole that from Amy Sedaris-- I'm not hating on the battered!)

Chris said...

that looks rough

Anonymous said...

Are you telling me you woke up and that was there? And you don't even remember anything that could've caused it?

Ummm... wanna go on a date?

PS - A couple more bruises and I'd call you the most perfectest girl in the universe.