Friday, July 15, 2005

This Seat Smells Like Shit! No, I Mean It! Like Shit!

Awesome complaint letter sent to Continental Airlines. Having worked in customer service for a number of years, I can appreciate a creative, well-written, acerbic complaint letter. To view the actual letter, click on the thumbnails below. The pictures are priceless! The writer goes a little crazy at the end. I would too, if I were constantly being hit with a fine spray of fecal matter.




Flt #888/SDO->Houston
Seat #29E

Dear Continental Airlines,

I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left arm and touch the door.

All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is. Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that is blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the woosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers' asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzle?

I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment - while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last!

I am picturing a board room full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto the plane by putting them next to the lav. I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat. Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man groan in there! This sucks!

Worse yet is I've paid over $400 for the honor of sitting in this seat! Does your company give refunds? I'd like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.

I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor...what about my hair! I fell like I'm bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me. I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.

We are finally descending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain. I suggest you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smoldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non absorbing luggage maybe - but not human cargo.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wonderful.
I respect this man wasting no time in writing his letter, firing it off AS HE SITS THERE.
Brilliant.

He is also some kind of artist. Those diagrams don't just accurately concvey the situation but impart a little of the human horror too.

Those could be worth a lot of money in the future when new modes of transportation exist and people want to understand the experience that was air travel.

We have been priveliged to see this man's work.

*

P.S. Lest you did not see my earlier comment AMG, I wish to congratulate you on the new pic and salute your generosity in sharing the space with someone so clearly cuter than you.
You set an example for non-cute people everywhere.

*

Dirk the Feeble said...

I felt like I had to comment here because at the bottom of your post, it said "1 people like me." If there's one thing I can't abide by, it's poor grammar and/or sentence structure, so I'm doing my part by making it read "2 people like me," which probably is not true but at least it's grammatically correct.

LocuTus of Borg said...

Dude, it's called booking on the f*cking internet and clicking the little button called "Seat Selection." He was probably just a idiot moron that doesn't know any better. Serves him right for sitting right next to the bathrooms.

LAnative said...

Lmao@the drawings

echrai said...

Y'know, I was having a realy shitty day and this beautiful piece of prose somehow made it all better. After all, instead of being trapped in a cube and frustrated with my work, I could be stuck in that seat... that poor man had a TRULY shitty day.

kate said...

That's one of the reasons why I hate flying. The horror.

Anonymous said...

they should have typed it since then there would be no cross-outs and they would know that it is honor not honnor

diadima said...

that was hilarious. i've never sat next to the 'lavatory' on a plane as i always opt for the exit seats (added responsiblity in case of crash, yes...but no shit smell)

The Man said...

Oh come on. The Jews had it way harder during WW2.

allison said...

Tee hee hee...loving the play-by-play, journalistic voice. Brill.

Charlie Mc said...

great letter, hahaha

The Lazy Iguana said...

I have always wondered WHY so many people have to use the crapper on the airplane. Dont they know that there are bathrooms at the airport?

I can understand long flights. Or old people. But if I can hold it for three or four hours.......

Fred said...

Priceless.

RetroDragon said...

I love how coherent he is, given the serial killer handwriting and insanity-inspired diagrams. When he finally snaps, his neighbor is totally going to be telling the reporters, "He kept to himself, really. My husband always said I was paranoid, but I knew something was wrong with him, I just knew it..."

The Everglades said...

Amazing. I love good complaint letters. Thanks for posting it because I never would have found it otherwise.

Blake

x said...

Love it!

Shawn said...

I totally respect he guy for (1)the letter, and (2)the awesome blanket barrier... Flying nowadays always reminds me of the "the marriage was built to last, but the house was built too small" commercial for the insurance company. And, lucky me, I always get stuck between the fat businessman and the old lady who needs to get up 100 times a flight,

duff said...

wow. i thought i'd been on some bad flights, but even at my worst, i was never inspired to construct a stink shield.

this poor soul may just be my new hero.

pookie69 said...

LOL - oh man - this kinda sh!t is just PRICELESS!!! :D

guest said...

Out of curiosity what was the response this guy got from the airline?
Dear Sir:
Shit happens. Deal with it.

Sincerely,

Ear Shot said...

i know the feeling sometimes. my office is right across from the small bathrooms that are just for my office. i get overwhelmed with cleaning fumes once a week and have to go to the lobby to reas the paper. I wish when everyone had to poo they used the main ones out in the hall.

*~BendersGurl~* said...

LMAO... poor fella...