Tuesday, September 27, 2005

An Open Letter to the Traffic Light Controllers of the City in Which I Reside, and to the Traffic Lights Within Said City.

So it's come down to this, eh? I have suspected for a long time that you had a grudge against me, but I had no idea that the conspiracy was so far-reaching.

How much coordination and effort does it take to ensure that every. single. light. on my way to work turns red just milliseconds before I reach it, no matter how fast, slow, or exact-speed-limit-y I am traveling? And is it just me, or does the light stay red just slightly longer when I'm waiting than it does otherwise? Don't pretend like you don't see me sitting down here, patiently waiting for it to turn green. I know you do. I know you have cameras everywhere. I saw that movie with Mel Gibson. And is it really fair to the other commuters to take your jealousy of my awesome car* (sometimes known as Betsy, sometimes as Black Betty, sometimes as My Lil' Nazi-Engineered Marvel**) out on me?

If you could consider revoking this hate-filled agenda against me and Betsy every once in a while, particularly when I only have seven minutes to make the ten-minute drive to work because I couldn't find my other shoe and I have to be on time because I have a conference call with corporate that starts immediately upon getting into the office, I would be extremely grateful. I would even consider a compromise or negotiation of sorts. You know that traffic camera on Maple? Keep the lights green, and I'll flash the camera for you. Yes, it'll be just like Mardi Gras, except without the beads and booze and "Girls Gone Wild" crew, and there will only be me instead of thousands of hot, drunk, nipple-exposing coeds.

Is it a deal?


*Now even more awesomer because AMBF tinted the windows for my birthday.

**Not that I condone Nazis or anything they stood for or did, because I don't. Killing Jewish people and other minorities was very wrong and Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead. In fact, I love Jews. Even if you guys did kill Christ, I'm totally over that.

24 comments:

echrai said...

Dude. I think the people who run your city run mine as well. The exact same thing happened to me yesterday... and I swear the man in the van who decided to make a left hand turn without moving all the way up to the turn lane so that I was trapped behind him until the ONE green light I could have hit had passed was laughing on the cell phone with them. Evil city. Evil traffic. Evil lights.

ruben said...

so...my car was designed by the secret ninjas over at toyota? :-) i get it now.

Spexial said...

lmao i thought it was only a conspiracy for me...those fucking lights turn red and here i am going 80 in a 40 and have to come to a screeching stop every fucking time...i hate them!

FigEqualsGood said...

Which Mel Gibson movie did you see? What a Woman Wants? I did not see that one, but I do know that he tries on panty hose in that movie. That Mel...is there anything he won't do for ratings? As for the Traffic Gras, let me know so that I can turn in my application for that Midwest Traffic Controller job I found on Monster.Com today.

K2 said...

If Seth Green can do it in The Italian Job, so can I... oh, wait, I fried my LAN card so I can't.. and Lord knows I can't do anything at work (stinking IT people and their access-blocked windows)

Or, you could just live 10 blocks from work, as I do, and have the luxury of knowing that if you hit one light green, the only other light on that same road will be green too. What sucks is, it's the same for red though...

Dave Morris said...

You stop at the lights?

asiaisbored said...

I like Black Betty, I know a guitar of the same name, she's a real sweetie.

DIAMONDKT said...

You need to read this post of mine then if you want to "do away" with waiting for red lights!

07/18/05 Hate Traffic? Then Love This Hack
http://diamondktblog.blogspot.com/2005/07/hate-traffic-then-love-this-hack-we.html

The Brunette said...

This post had me cracking up, which is just what I need after the day and evening from hell! Thank you AMG!!

Chixulub said...

Well, will you flash Lobsters if they promise to try and solve your traffic problem? In particular, in addition to nude photos, I need your given name, address, social security number and anything else you fear falling into the hands of an identity-thief.

I'm not an identity-thief, I'm a stalker. Relax.

And while you might not get to work any faster, I promise to use the photos and information requested to make sure that such complaints are minor compared to your future problems...

x said...

It's almost winter.. then you have the "it wasn't safe to stop" thing. Love that one.

Anonymous said...

This conspiracy is big.
Who was it exactly hid that other shoe?
Was it your Mom?
Sister?
AMBF?
Mel?

And was he tinting those windows?
Or using it as a cover to plant a little homing device, ha?

And why are those guys from corporate ringing TODAY?
What's that about?

Is it all a bid to get you to commit an act of public indecency?
What does "the man" want from you?
What?
What?
Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaattttt????

*

LocuTus of Borg said...

Of course it is a conspiracy. They want to make sure that they single out the "normal" people to make them go crazy hitting red lights every chance they get! LOL just get one of those remote controls like the firefighters have to change all the lights to green ;)

Little Miss said...

Because of the stupid hurricanes, many of our traffic lights have been removed completely. Now many of our streets are blocked off, the option is no longer available to turn left at certain lights, and the red lights are MUCH longer!

Grrr.

AlRo said...

Ya... i tried pointing at the lights a couple of times.. and waving my hands frantically at the red lights... and you know what?? *shakes head and shrugs* NOTHIN'..

The lil elf in the light just laughs his ass off at me; his attempts at redicule becoming more and more successful.. as i'm sure the lights around my work last 30 seconds longer than anywhere..

stretch td said...

Just flash the cops on a regular basis, and they shouldn't bother you anymore.

Johnny Menace said...

you should have bought an american car... you would be fine.

Leese said...

When I was little my parents did the whole blow at it and it will turn green. I can't believe I bought into that. The flash thing could work though...

Matt said...

Your blog has kept me thoroughly entertained for the last 20 minutes. I cannot believe that I let you suck my time away like that... I LOVE IT! You have a hysterical blog here.

Justice said...

I am convinced that the red lights have it out for us. LOL

sue said...

Oh...what a RELIEF! I thought it was just me...

Yo Mama™ said...

Fuckin' A, Bubba! You are my hero!

Nick said...

Hmmm... I never even considered that the lights may hate us because we drive Naziwagens :)

itainteasybeinggreen said...

Deal..... we've been waiting for this. (We'd also like to say that we're big fans of the 'stoplight adjustment' thing you do. Is that silk?)