Thursday, October 13, 2005

If I Keep Up Like This, I May Go Blind

So I can't stop touching myself. Is that weird?

Perhaps a little backstory is necessary here. I got a new sweater a couple weeks ago, and wore it for the first time today. It is the softest thing ever. It feels like I have skinned a newborn baby lamb and wrapped myself in its snuggly goodness. Not that I really know what that feels like, as I've only done it once, and that was for initiation into that club, and I was a little woozy from having drunk all that sacrificial blood, but I digress. This sweater is so soft and warm and fuzzy that I just want to roll up into a ball and cuddle myself. I have turned into a full-fledged autophile. I keep stroking my arms as I walk down the hall. People look at you weird when you do that, did you know? They aren't used to people petting themselves. And caressing and nuzzling and fondling and feeling themselves. But get used to it, folks. I'm wearing this sweater and luxuriating in it until it falls to tatters in my hands, after which I will use the pieces to make a...a...well, a something that I can carry around and continue to cuddle.

27 comments:

NCTRNL said...

Doesn't that create a lot of static electricity? Geez...wait til the winter comes...you'll be electric.

Thomas, the Retarded Monkey said...

Touching yourself, no matter how much, doesn't impair your vision. It is an old wives tale.

And if you must know, yes, I do wear glasses...

Captain Bee said...

Who sung that song back in the 80's (it was a chick on vocals) that went all, "Everytime I think abooooout you I touch myself"?

sage said...

Funny, but sounds a bit narcissistic to me... maybe you should invite others to enjoy the experience and to pet your sweater.

exile said...

i acctually know what you're talking about. i had a sweater that was like that on the inside (super feely). but then i dried it and it melted away all the warm fuzzies.

so can we get a HNT pic with you wearing the super sweater?

CAPTIAN BEE- it was The Vinals, i belive

Justice said...

I don't think it's strange at all. I've seen lots of people walking around rubbing themselves. Oh wait...those were the folks locked up in the mental ward of the prison. I take it back...that is a bit strange. LOL

psquared said...

I am wearing one that is much softer – you are welcome to come over and do the same while I have it on ; )

NamesAreHardToPick said...

Haha, that's great. If anything they will mistake you for being over-confident. I do the same thing with my arms as I rub them all the time because I like how they feel. Well all the girls at work think I am confident.

So hey, the sweater just helps you out if anything.

(refuses to log into a public computer)

MrCorey said...

Yep, the Divinyls. The singer's name was Christina Amphlett...and now I see a renewed effort by AMG. Now, that's a good idea for a music video - AMG petting her sweater. :) You'll be rich! Filthy rich! Woo!

Chixulub said...

You've gut guts, AMG. I expected that all the comments above mine would be 'but I'd touch you, save you the trouble.' And, 'Come here, my pet.' And 'it's only wrong to touch yourself if you don't let me watch.' Etc.

I really can't believe I'm having to supply the cheap pickup-line comments. What else? Uh...

Oh, I have something soft you could touch, but it might not stay soft...

Or, 'Let me feel, I need proof.'

Oh, and, 'You don't have to go blind to touch my face.'

What else?

But then, I'm the geek that approached girls in 8th grade, dropping to a knee in the lunch room and shouting, 'I love you, marry me and have my baby!' To a girl I'd never exchanged a word with. More than one girl, come to think of it.

Walking Wounded said...

I haven't been able to stop touching myself either in over 18 years regardless of what sweater I wear!

Peace

Nytro said...

i'm totally showing my cheap roots... but i saw a similar material sweater at Costco and just stayed there feeling it and rubbing it against my face until my husband finished shopping. but did he get the hint? Noooooo.

Paladin said...

Go out IMMEDIATELY and buy another just like it.

Then, turn it into a stuffed animal you can carry with you for the times you cannot/should not wear the sweater.

AND/OR get some for sisters and mom- if you love it so much, they probably will too. You make the big bucks now, you can afford it!

Dirk the Feeble said...

As a repsentative from PETA, I must inform you one of our agents will be contacting you to discuss your use of baby sheep flesh to make your attire. Surely you can agree that sheep, especially baby sheep, have feelings too.

sue said...

I had one like that and I ran out and tried to get another, but no luck. Then I was a good mom and gave it to my daughter who had been lusting after it. The sacrifices we make for our kids... sheesh!

DIAMONDKT said...

You should of stopped your post right after this and wrote no more...

If I Keep Up Like This, I May Go Blind
So I can't stop touching myself. Is that weird?

ha-ha

Anonymous said...

The new profile pic is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute.

This one can stay awhile.

But where is the famed sweater?

*

stretch td said...

I havae to ask .. .may I have a feel? ;)

Sideshow said...

I have some underwear that is apparently made out of the same material.

Sangroncito said...

self-stroking is fun and healthy!

FigEqualsGood said...

I like to touch myself...but always in the naughty sense.

Brat said...

I say go for it, touch yourself!

Avery said...

I have a sweater like that and always go up to people and say "feel me". It's invited in a boob grab or two.

CJM said...

Hmmmm,lamb's skin, I have a coat like that, I know how you feel.

kate said...

Oh God. I'm constantly feeling myself up and I haven't gone blind yet. LOL.

Gordy said...

Keep feeling yourself, just take some pictures for your fans :-)

Michele said...

Oooh! I want a sweater that soft!