Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Insert Clever Title Here

Sorry about the lack of postage yesterday; I still had an emotional hangover from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition."

On a somewhat related subject (which would make sense if you saw Sunday's episode) have you ever said something intending to be funny or snarky, only to realize that the comment actually displayed your ignorance and small-mindedness, or maybe just your mean streak, to the world?

An example of this happened in grade school, when some friends and I met another friend and her brother at the mall. One of the friends had never met the brother before, and as we started to walk along, she noticed him moving with a somewhat ungainly, clumsy gait. She snorted and said to him something to the effect of: "Stop walking like that! You look like a retard." Of course, as we all stared at her with horrified looks upon our faces, it dawned on her that, in fact, the kid was mentally handicapped. No amount of backtracking can cover up that faux pas (or freedom pas, as we patriots prefer). That's probably the best example I've personally witnessed, although a close second was when I was on a conference call and my boss came into my office, and, not realizing I didn't have the mute button on, proceeded to bash the company that was on the other end of the line.

I'm sure I've had instances of this occurring, as I have a very large mouth and a tendency to not review what I'm about to say prior to vocalizing it, but surprisingly it doesn't happen to me that often. More likely to occur is that what comes out of my mouth just makes no sense at all.


mrshife said...

My most recent bout of stupidity occured at Subway. I hadn't been in awhile and I was craving a meatball sandwich. So I walk in, check out the menu and notice that there is a "Hot" sign next to the meatball sandwich. I was bummed because spicy and me don't get along. As I approached the teenage girl to inquire if they could make a meatball sandwich that wasn't so spicy, it dawned on me that the sandwich was not spicy but just a hot sandwich as in warm or the opposite of cold. Another confession from the dumb, white guy.

Anonymous said...

You know... this reminds of a joke i once read...
and thanks to me have no life
i shall copy and paste it for you!!!

****JOKE TIME****

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

CJM said...

Evidently, GAP is a shop for the less mentally able in this world.

Although I swear that you're lying.

the belligerent intellectual said...

Back in college, I was introduced to a friend of a friend after class one day and when I shook hands with him I noticed it didn't feel right. I joked, "Hey, what's with the secret handshake?" Turns out his hands had both not fully developed and he had only three fingers on each. WHAT'S WITH THE SECRET HANDSHAKE?!

That's the memory I most look forward to losing when I get old.

Walking Wounded said...

I think CJM is on to something here because NYer's don't tend to do shit like this. Besides, the girl would have asked him about the bathroom trips earlier on during the date I'm sure of it. And if the dude was really looking to pull a MacGuyver and do the switcharoo on the train he would have double-checked to make sure he had the pants in the bag. Or he would have just bought the sweater AND the pants this way he would still have something in the bag when he went back out to sit down next to the date. Going into the bathroom with your "new sweater" and coming out without it would have been even harder to explain.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

I'm pretty sure that by labeling it as a joke, Anon wasn't vouching for the story's authenticity. :)

And Belligerent, that is the FUNNIEST thing I have read today, hands (fully formed or not) down.

Kris said...

I am new here, and haven't even read your entire post, but I must say that I wrote an entry on your first paragraph today - humans really are all alike!!!

CJM said...

I shook hands with someone with a claw once, that was a bit odd, didn't say anything though, just thought "What's this? OH, he has a claw... fair enough".

And WW, to be honest, owuld you really think about all that stuff if you were there in that situation?

Justice said...

I saw that episode on Sunday night. It was truly touching.


I think we have all had those moments when you just want to crawl under a rock and eat your own words. I know I must have a few, but one I do remember is in high school.

I was sitting at lunch with group of friends talking. We were bashing on the English teacher that was a slut - seriously, she came on to alot of the male students. Just as I make a remark about how easy she is, low and behold she is standing right behind me. I guess I was clueless to the fact that everyone else had shut up about her except me - they could see her there and I couldn't. Oops.

Gordy said...

Not been around for a while, but great new profile shot..and I don't think your mouth looks too big, it's just the perfect size!

Chixulub said...

If I didn't mis-speak and offend, I'd be effectively mute.

NJ said...

I tend to keep my mouth shut now, I got sick of the taste of my own foot. Happens to the best of us. :-)

The Everglades said...

I love the word snarky. I mean, I love it.

And I will say that insinuating that the French are not freedom loving people because they aren't involved in OUR war on terror is off base. There are patriots in France. Their entire history is one of fighting for freedom. Their country was occupied in WWII. They sent a ton of people to die in WWI. And because there country is older than 230 years, they have a lot more national scars than we do. Just look at their sorted past with Englan, or the French Revolution.

I just realized I used your comment section for a soap box. Sorry. I'm a total doofus, but I guess I saw the irony of the faux pas/freedom pas in this post.


AlRo said...

Ok.. True confession time! This is an example of exactly what you're talking about - that I DID.. granted i was really young.. but it's bad!

Even as a kid - i liked making people laugh - I was always of the opinion that if you laugh - you are healthier - and I hated to see people saddened. So no matter what - i felt it was my job against all odds to bring a smile - even if it was fleeting - to a sad person.

My grandmother and I were VERY close .. VERY close - I loved her like crazy - visited her every weekend since i was a kid up until she died when I was 13. Of course, at the funeral wake, i was standing over the casket looking down at a very serene, and very deseased grandmother - with my father - who was incredibly distraught. As a 13 year old boy, it was a weird thing to watch my father in tears; almost surreal really. So i stared at my grandmother for long moments with my father - perhaps 3 minutes... and if you just stare at something for 3 minutes - that's a long time..

Somewhere in my 13 year old mind, I found the silence uncomfortable, and found that my father's sadness was even more unsettling - so in my 13 summers of wisdom gained, i decided to lighten the mood... you know ... for my father..

With a silly grin i looked up innocently at my father, and scratched my chin: very Sherlock Holmes of me and I said.. "She really isn't moving too much is she dad!?"

Ya.. not one of those things you wanna say to a grieving son! Needless to say, my father asked me, very unpolitely to leave. It was one of those times I knew, just as i said it - that maybe it wasn't the smartest comment.. but my intentions were noble, I swear.

AlRo said...

ok.. i just did it again !! HAHAHA.. ok.. my grandmother was NOT DESEASED... but rather DECEASED.

oh man - what ONE LETTER can say, huh?

Anonymous said...

"Stop walking like that! You look retarded."
Oh. My. God.
That is horrific.
I think that tops anything else.
Is this one of those stories AMG that you say "Oh a friend said this" but it was in fact you?
Come on, own up!!

As for me, I met a friend of an ex-girlfriend that I hadn't seen for a number of months.

Me: Hey, how are you? Good to see you. I had no idea you were pregnant.

Her: I'm not pregnant.

Me: Well... yes. Of course, that's what I meant. I didn't think you were and... here you are... not pregnant.
I think my Mom is calling me, I should go.

Ever since, I NEVER comment about a girl's pregnancy unless she brings it up first, I don't care how obvious it is. I'm not going there.


TYSEN said...

Like every day... I say things which have evil double interpretations. I don't usually realize I've said them until somebody else points it out. Does this make me naive?

Dirk the Feeble said...

One time I made a random "joe momma" joke to a guy whose mom had just died. Whoops.

Mon said...

I actually work with mentally handicapped people, and have not been able to stop saying 'dont be retarded' its awful! good episode though, loved it!

sue said...

I, too, have tasted foot occasionally. Not a pleasant taste.

echrai said...

Man, you totally get me. I do this ALL the time. Whether it's "Don't squint like that because you look like you need glasses" or "When's the baby due?" "I'm not pregnant" or my all time favorite "You're not going to believe what so-and-so's wearing. What? She's right behind me, isn't she?" I've done all of these and more.

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

I am the Queen of Insert Foot Land. My stories are legendary for the crap that I've pulled. Sometimes I think I should just superglue my foot in my mouth so that I don't have to keep taking it in and out.