Monday, July 31, 2006

A Post Not for Those Under the Age of 18, Either Physically or Mentally

Last night it was 99 degrees at 10:00 at night.

What I want to know is, who pissed off God? It wasn't me.

Actually, it might have been me. Does God get mad if you buy Hustler magazine?

Wait, it wasn't for me! I swear!

Saturday evening a bachelor party was hosted at my house. The actual host himself was neither AMBF nor our roommate, but a good friend (who we'll call Flounder, because that's what everyone calls him) currently living in Texas, therefore needing to borrow our place of residence for the night of - I hope - extreme debauchery. The plan was for everyone to meet at our place, play poker, then move to the strip club.

AMBF and Roomie both had golf Saturday morning, so it was up to me and Flounder's girlfriend (as of 11:30 last night, fiancee! Congratulations, guys!) to help Flounder get ready for the party. The first thing we did was make 90 Everclear jello shots. I didn't have one, but I heard they were pretty noxious. Then we went shopping for liquor and decorations. That is, if a life-size Fatty Patty blow-up doll (with "large hanging breasts"! And a "plump juicy anus!") counts as a decoration. Which in my mind it totally does. We also got him a crown with 3D boobies on it and the classic ball-and-chain to wear around his ankle. For ambiance we picked up a Hustler magazine that came with a free DVD, and, of course, XXX playing cards for the poker game. Flounder dropped me and his girlfriend (now fiancee!) back off at my house so we could set up while he took the groom-to-be out for dinner. We laid out the food, started the porn, and blew up Fatty Patty. The party was supposed to start at 6:30. However, by six, neither Flounder nor AMBF nor Roomie were home, and the guests had already started to arrive (who gets to a bachelor party a half hour early??). So the early arrivers were a little confused to find the only people at the bachelor party were two girlfriends reading Hustler and watching "Extreme Office Sex 4". Eventually, though, Flounder returned and we were forced to leave and miss the rest of the fun. Somehow I think our night of playing Catch Phrase with the girls didn't quite match up to the level of fun that was experienced by the bachelor party attendees, though...particularly when, the next morning, I saw a note that said this:

AMG, AMBF, and Roomie:

Thanks for hosting this. Last night I saw God between a black stripper's butt cheeks. It was beautiful.

Love,
Groom-to-Be

20 comments:

Chris Laffoon said...

He didn't find god between my wife's cheeks. Though he's been known to hide there and yell "BOO!" at me every once in a while. Please tell me you're not near Lawrence KS. BTW, yes my wife is a black stripper..LOL.

S.C. said...

So, in your opinion, how WAS Extreme Office Sex Volume 4?

kate said...

Oh my god. I am reading this from a public computer place, and almost peed my pants laughing so hard.

Chixulub said...

You know, I had misplaced God. I didn't realize I'd left him in that black stripper's ass.

Roonie said...

You and Flounder's girlfriend (no fiancee!) are good peeps for doing all that for the boys. And without even getting to reap the benefits - for shame!

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

God works in mysterious ways.

CheyenneWay said...

Yet more proof that God is indeed a black man! By the way AMG you owe me a keyboard for the fatty patty descriptions. I'll accept any left over porn or chips'n'salsa, thank you come again.

Karlos said...

Great post! I love the "black stripper's butt cheeks" declaration! Awesome title for an indie film!

LocuTus of Borg said...

Haha wish I could have been there - sounded like a great time ... seeing God LOL funny. Try to stay cool ;)

Gadfly said...

The idea of God being in some stripper's leather Cheerio is ... well ... perfect. Otherwise, why did every guy who ever had his penis in there yell out "Oh God!"?

JoeyJoJoJo said...

ALright Flounder!!!! You should start a business setting up people's bachelor parties, you'd have a blast!

Bob said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmm.............black stripper's butt cheeks........

Hot, Hot, Hot!

Brianne said...

I believe some photos are in order.

AstonWest said...

I imagine God gets angrier when you buy Playboy...because not only are you violating that adultery commandment (in the "strict" biblical sense) but also the one about false witness...because no one truly buys it for the articles.

I wish my bachelor party would have been that much fun...whew!

Violet said...

next time you make jello shots, try making them with pucker instead of everclear. they are soooo good. but soooo bad at the same time, if you know what i mean.

Reclusivegirl said...

You should've made it into a type of porn catch phrase! Then you guys would've felt like you were still at the party. He he!

kate said...

Not that it matters, but the weather from hell finally lifted from DC.. it was in the 60's last night

mysterygirl! said...

The things I miss out on-- I come back to your and Scott's blogs, and find that you both have strippery posts.

I can picture you sitting around reading Hustler as all the dudes come in-- that's hilarious. You throw one hell of a bachelor party!

Al B Here said...

Finally someone who knows how to throw a proper bachelor party! My buddies who've walked down the aisle have had some pretty tame/toned down ones (read: not even any strippers) because their fiancées would get pissed about it. Sad, but true. Well done!

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