Tuesday, August 08, 2006

She Went Ahead and Married Him Despite the Scratches on His Back from the Stripper.

So the wedding of the groom from the previous post's bachelor party got married on Saturday. The day after the party, she came to our house with a basket full of cookies - chocolate chip, even! - as a thanks for hosting the party. Apparently, he came home with a bloody shirt, gouges on his back, and no boxers. And she brought cookies to thank us for that. Now THAT'S a keeper!

The wedding was very nice and the bride looked gorgeous and the groom was handsome and the wedding video showed the customary cute baby pictures and awkward teen moments. The beer and wine flowed freely and all was going well.

Until...

The bouquet toss.

Understand that this is one of the first guys from AMBF's circle of friends to fall from bachelorhood. So we're essentially a bunch of singletons in marriage terms, although a few of the couples have been dating for even longer than AMBF and I have been. The rest of the wedding attendees were old relatives that were already married. So there were maybe eight of us unmarried girls, most with long-term boyfriends, who were eligible to go catch the bouquet. Oh, and the four-year-old flower girl. Her too.

As commitment-phobe as most of the guys in the group are, none of the girls wanted to go up and catch the flowers and put that pressure on their boyfriend, or perhaps more importantly, put their boyfriend in prime position for teasing from the guys whose girlfriends didn't catch the flowers.

As the DJ called us out, we all caught eyes across the room and shook our heads in subtle "NO FREAKING WAY AM I GOING UP THERE" cues. That is, until we looked at the empty floor and the poor forlorn bride there by herself. So we sighed, gathered together, and went up, making sure to stay well back from the bride.

She threw!

And the bouquet flew over our heads by maybe five feet. We all just turned and watched it fell. I felt horrible for the bride. After what seemed like eternity but was probably just a few seconds, I picked up the bouquet and tried to give it to the flower girl, who was the only one in the audience who didn't have a boyfriend using all his energy to send "DO NOT CATCH THAT THING" mental thoughts our way.

"Oh, I already have flowers," she said. "You keep them!" What a sweetheart. Right. I tried again. "No, these are different flowers. They're pretty! You should keep them!" Fervently thinking, "Bitch, take the damn flowers so none of us have to accept responsibility!" But she politely declined again. Maybe she realized that the ring bearer had been paying particular attention to her during the dancing and didn't want to put pressure on him to take their relationship to the next level. In their case, kindergarten.

The photographer was desperately looking for someone, anyone to take the flowers so he could get the "bride with the catcher of her bouquet!" photos, and when I turned around from talking to the flower girl, all the other girls had left me. So I was standing there with the flowers and no one to pass them off to. Sigh. I smiled, took the pictures, and bolted back to the table where I tried in vain to head off all the comments I knew AMBF was already getting. "I didn't catch it!" I cried to his friends. "I picked it up! It doesn't count! I tried to give them away! It doesn't mean anything!"

Yeah, it didn't work. Poor AMBF. Thankfully the attention was temporarily taken off him when one of their friends elbowed an eight-year-old boy out of the way to catch the garter.

Ah, weddings.

21 comments:

NCTRNL said...

I had to hide in the bathroom to get away from the garter toss at one wedding. I seriously hate that...

Chris Laffoon said...

Just so you're aware...IT FREAKIN' WORKS!!! My, now wife, caught the bouquet at 2 straight weddings and I caught the garter at those same weddings...WE WERE DOOMED I TELL YA!!!! Needless to say, she proposed to me 2 months after the second wedding and I just had to say yes...not that I regret it....just sayin' RUN, RUN NOW!!!

Gadfly said...

OMG AMG!

I love that you were all dodging the damned flowers. You guys would have SO been my type when I was in my 20s. I needed a chick that would hang aroud, but not say the "M" word. *sigh* but it didn't last. Now I'm the "D" word. *sigh*

AstonWest said...

You're right, btw...
Since no one caught them in the air, they lost their mystical bachelorhood-dooming properties.

Reaffirm to AMBF that he's safe for the time being.

Chixulub said...

Wedding receptions are great parties. My favorite trick is when the groom goes to retreive the garter, he comes up with a pair of panties he had up his sleeve.

I've seen it twice, and both times I thought the bride was going to have a seizure.

hannah said...

Did you set a date yet?

Bob said...

I would think by now that AMBF would realize what a precious treasure he has (AMG), and in doing so would be ready, even eager, to formalize in the traditional way, a lifetime committment to the most wonderful girl in the blogosphere!

And you're right......the bouquet MUST be caught in the air for it to count. Still though,.........c'mon AMBF.....it's about time, don'tcha think?

MrCorey said...

Are you sure that the one elbowing the boy to get at the garter wasn't of the mindset that he might be able to hook up with the one who had the bouquet?...

K2 said...

Does this mean I get to heckle him a bit too? Wait, no, probably not, since he really doesn't know me all that much... and he'd probably get back at me by screwing up my ability to work, which would cause me to lose my job due to being non productive...

kinda like me posting this...

maybe it's not such a bad thing... don't hate me k?

AstonWest said...

I've seen it twice, and both times I thought the bride was going to have a seizure.

I would have thought the bride would have had firsthand knowledge they weren't her own panties.

My guess would have been the bride's parents having simultaneous seizures...

mysterygirl! said...

I love it! My friend once batted the bouquet away from her. I think some traditions need to be swept under the rug... that and the uber-tacky garter toss...

Brianne said...

That sounds like one damn scary stripper. Gouges on his back and a bloody shirt? Yikes.

"Singletons?" Has someone been reading Bridget Jones? If not, you should. They're great books.

Your story is a prime example of why I will be 86ing the bouquet toss from my future wedding.

I'm at work and it is deadly silent in here. So I wonder what it sounded like to everyone else when I broke the silence with my peal of laughter upon reading that oen of AMBF's friends elbowed an 8-year-old boy out of the way to catch the garter. Too damn funny.

LocuTus of Borg said...

So when is your wedding day AMG? LOL

Funny story - I am sure there was not any of the girls there waiting to go pick up the flowers. Maybe the 4 year old will get married before all of you hahaha.

I actually caught a bouqet at a wedding when I was 16 - standing off to the side and fell right into me. Sad thing is at 21 years old 5 years later - I think I was the first one to get married from all the girls that were there ... sigh.

Sarah said...

That's hilarious! I know just how you feel! Why is it that the chicks dont want to go and get "glared" at but the men are jumping and wrestling each other for the garter?! I don't think I'll ever understand men!!!

Sexy Lexi said...

My younger sister's wedding is in 6 weeks, and me and the bf have already been discussing the "M" word, so I'm thinking I might have to just step up and take one for the team on the bouquet toss.

Wait, what did I just say?

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Big Ben said...

I always try to catch the garter - I am just a competitive guy. Gives my chick hope too!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I like that you tried to pawn it off on the flower girl to no avail. Let's be fair though, weddings are nowhere NEAR as lame as marriages.

BIGMAC said...

I miss my dear blonde wife, she desapear, they say she run out with a politician help me to find her

Gadfly said...

AMG:

As a complete fucking stranger, I DEMAND that you devote more of your time to creating interesting quips, tales and vignettes for my pleasure -- without remuneration of any kind.