Friday, April 29, 2005

World's* Best Worst Movie Reviews** Part Deux***

As I've said before, reviews on bad movies are often more entertaining than the movie itself. The write-ups are awesome because the reviewers get the chance to whip out one-liners that are far more creative than the standard "Instant classic!" or "Great Family Fare!" lines that good movies get. So below, for your enjoyment, is a collection of great bad movie reviews from some recent movies.

And I haven't seen any of these movies, so if you did and it's now your favorite movie and it gets bashed below, it probably means that you have bad taste.

"I've seen episodes of Sesame Street that were more frightening than this generic junk." -- Matt Brunson, CREATIVE LOAFING, regarding "The Amityville Horror"

"Why take an old, ugly lump of cheese and make it into a bigger, uglier, and smellier lump of cheese?" -- Boo Allen, DENTON RECORD CHRONICLE (TX), regarding "The Amityville Horror"

"Nothing Whatsoever Like Love and By the Way, Nothing Whatsoever Like a Good Movie, Either." -- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES, regarding "A Lot Like Love"

"A Lot Like Love is, well, a lot like many other movies. It's also a lot like having your eyeballs seared by a propane flame -- in a bad way." -- Marc Mohan, OREGONIAN, regarding "A Lot Like Love"

"A salt-lick for under-hung jackasses." -- Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL, regarding "XXX: State of the Union"

"XXXcrement." -- Rob Blackwelder, SPLICEDWIRE, regarding "XXX: State of the Union"

"Despite its title, XXX: State of the Union is neither pornographic nor political." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE, regarding "XXX: State of the Union"

"If Hell does exist, I'm sure the only movie theatre in town will be playing nothing but Anthony Anderson movies." -- Kevin Carr, 7M PICTURES, regarding "King's Ransom"

"I looked at the ceiling, not casting my eyes heavenward for assistance but trying to find something more interesting to look at than what was on the screen. The ceiling won." -- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES, regarding "King's Ransom"

"Somewhere in a pitch meeting someone must have piped up: 'I know. We'll have a guy named 'King' and he gets kidnapped, see? So there's a 'ransom'! King's Ransom, get it? After that, I've got nothing.'" -- Kevin Crust, LOS ANGELES TIMES, regarding "King's Ransom"

"If you're looking for a meaningful consideration of the intricacies that come with introducing your white boyfriend to your black family, you're probably eating nachos at the wrong multiplex." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE, regarding "Guess Who"

"About as fresh as a Jeri Curl." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE, regarding "Beauty Shop"

This is the very picture of bland, uncreative filmmaking, and the fact that it was made by African-Americans is just a further example of the tragedy of black-on-black crime." -- Eric D. Snider, ERICDSNIDER.COM, regarding "Beauty Shop"

"Sahara falls into quicksand and quickly disappears into the abyss that can only be described as Movie Hell. Only one word can describe this thing, baby: Craptacular." -- Jeffrey Bruner, DES MOINES REGISTER, regarding "Sahara"

* By "world," I of course mean America.
** All courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes.
*** For Part One and more scathing reviews of such classic movies as "Son of the Mask," "White Noise," "Boogeyman," and more , go here.


Polly Prissy-Pants said...

Those are funny!

But I was really really scared by Amityville horror. Even though I knew it was a bad movie I was still terrified. I guess the cliches work for me.

The Author said...

AMG, I'm so glad you think to post these things. I was going to go see ALL of those movies this weekend. Now, I'll just sit at home and watch my new lawn grow. Mmmmm grass...

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately AMG, your warnings come too late for me and I have already made the mistake of venturing into "Amityville Horror" and "XXX: State of the Union".

"Amityville" is soooooo bad, it's eh, well, soooooo bad but "XXX" has this graceless charm that just comes from seeing Ice Cube trying to look "bad-ass". (Is that a phrase I can use?) And the posturing by all concerned is hilarious.

Classic dialogue:

(Ice Cube knocks a woman to the ground.)

Sam Jackson: "You should have killed that bitch."

(Woman later draws weapon and goes to kill Sam, Sam shoots first.)

Sam: I told you, you should have killed that bitch.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Or Willem Dafoe:

"He is one man, what can one man do?"
Which you just know means one man can defeat an entire army, storm a an aircraft carrier, steal a tank, blow the bad guys base up and escape to save the nation.

With a little help from his car-jacking buddies who can take on the SWAT and navy seals guarding the capitol and win.

Hee hee, the more I think of it, the better that movie is.
Hmmm, that can't be right, I must be hysterical.


Anonymous said...

New photo and it's sooo cute.
Black and white, very classy.
Just like a Princess.


Bridget Unnel said...

I want a job where I get paid to be an utter snarky asswipe. Do film critics get paid much? Ya know what, then again, the pay doesn't matter. The be-a-bitch-in-public part is its own reward.

Melina said...

Found you through NJ...and damn you just saved me a boatload of cash...although, I probably could've guessed that these movies were going to be bombs. Thanks!

Jess said...

i actually saw Alot Like Love last night and I must admit that I found it rather humorous at times. (This could also be due to the fact that I went with my drunk roommate who thought everything deserved a loud comment, therefore drawing uncontainable laughter from myself) But seriously, the restaurant scene, I give Ashton points for pulling it off. He (+ my roommate) had me in stitches.

mrsmogul said...

I used to write Film reviews! Saw you on waiter rant but see another blogger in know. Come by mine you might like to read my entertainment type posts, especially my E! one on Sat!

Nell Minow said...

I am honored to be quoted in your list! Explaining just why some of these movies are so horrible and exactly how horrible they are is one of the great pleasures of the job. And if I can prevent some poor soul from spending time and money on a dreadful movie (at least I get paid to watch them), I feel I've made my contribution to society! Here's to good movies and good reviews of bad movies!