Thursday, August 04, 2005

Starbuck's New Advertising Campaign

You know that pickup line that goes, "I like my women like I like my coffee....black and smooth!"? Okay, well, it's never been used on me, because I am neither black nor smooth (as anyone who has seen me try to dance can attest to). However, I have a good friend who happens to be of the darker-skinned variety, and she hears it all the time. And yes, I have just one black friend, because every other black person knows that they are way too cool to hang out with my dorky white ass. She's still in denial.

So at the bar last night, we started to come up with alternate endings to that line. It's really kind of a fun little game. Some of them would only work well for serial killers, though, so bear that in mind prior to use.

I like my women like I like my coffee...

....Ground up and in my freezer!
....In my stomach!
....Overpriced!
....Cheap!
....Covered in whipped cream with a shot of chocolate!

....Home roasted in my oven!
....Super hot!
....Doused in boiling water!
....With a shot of Irish cream...my Irish cream, ifyouknowwhati'msaying!
....Brazilian!*
....All over the front of my pants!
....Ready to go first thing in the morning!
....Just a buck, with free refills.
....Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey.**
....In a plastic cup.***



*Mmmm Adriana Lima.
**Okay, I stole this one from the 'net. But I'm claiming it as mine until the real owner sues me.
***All hail Eddie Izzard!

45 comments:

Adam said...

My grandfather always ended that phrase with "white and sweet".

mwp said...

I thought it was "...black and strong"?

I think it would be just as funny to finish the phrase with how you really like your coffee. Example:

I like my women how I like my coffee: poured into my own mug that I brought to 7-11 because it's cheaper to get a refill.

Ok, yeah...that doesn't work.

The Other Half said...

no wonder i don't drink coffee!!

The Lazy Iguana said...

Do these cheezy pickup lines ever work?

How about if you are really drunk? Do they work then?

I have seen guys try to use the lines. To my amazement, chicks sometimes fall for them. I can never figure that out.

But when they do not fall for it, it is amusing. For me anyway. The guy getting things thrown at him or laughed at probably does not think it is amusing.

Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

It's not about coffee, but I use one that I stole from a comedian (I wish I could remember his name).

"I like my women like I like my hotdogs, all lips and ass!"

Me, I like my women like I like my coffee. HOT, creamy, and with a little danish on the side.

If you know what I mean....and I thinks yuh does!

DO you?
Because now that I look at it, it doesn't make as much sense as I originally thought.

I'll stick with my first thought.

FRAPACCINO!!

Sam said...

LOL funny shit! I enjoyed reading those alternate endings! good work

S.C. said...

Great post. Thanks for making me laugh.

Captain Bee said...

Adriana Lima is fucking MONEY!

psquared said...

I like my coffee like I like my women, cold and bitter.

Disgruntled Car Salesman said...

Kinda along the same lines...

I like women like a rental car. You can drive 'em fast and reckless for a weekend, and turn 'em in when you're done.

I know, I know, I'm a bad guy.

Nice blog.

QueSaraSara said...

....Ground up and in my freezer!

#1 is my favorite. I'll be giggling about that all night long.

MooCow said...

2 creams and some sugar

Dickolas Wang said...

Rich

Chark Hammis said...

... bitter and cheap.
... mustachioed.

You're right. This is fun... but not as fun as mocking all those dudes falling all over themselves subtley trying to get underwear pics. I shed a little tear and cut my sho-lo an inch in mourning.

Chixulub said...

T-Shirt Hell already beat you to the first one on your list.

WARNING: T-SHIRT HELL IS OFFENSIVE, DON'T GO THERE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A VERY, VERY THICK SKIN AND A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR

Yeah, T-Shirt Hell includes shirts that even offend me, and that's off the fucking charts. There's international laws about content that offensive.

Anyway, I don't drink coffee as a rule, though I like those ice-coffees from Kona Coffee Company. Delicious, and it's not (as far as I know) part of the Starbucks Industrial Complex.

I detest Starbucks on many levels. They over-roast the beans so it tastes like over-strong Postum. Plus, there's a reason I refer to 'globalization' as McStarbuckification. I'm an anarcho-capitalist and believe good things come from wide-open markets, but big business has a nasty habit of getting in bed with big government. And as an aesthetic consideration, I don't like the fact that it gets harder and harder to tell by looking where on earth you are. Could be Lincoln, Nebraska, but maybe it's actually Hamburg, Germany or Peking, China.

Diet Dew is a good source of caffeine (an essential nutrient), and it doesn't make summer in the Midwest seem even more oppressively HOT. Yeah, I know, Diet Dew is part of the Pepsi machine, but since Dr. Nut is so long out of business that the Trademark is public domain, what's a caffeinist to do?

exile said...

... BRIMING OVER UNTIL IT SPILLS ON MY LAP

G-Man said...

I like my women like I like my coffee -- teabagged.

Neonalune said...

I like my men like I like my coffee...full of cream.

Marie said...

Hahahaha! Hilarious list. ;)

Anonymous said...

first off, you are hilarious. SEcond, do you know there's some scam about sending money with addresses on your post comments?

Kitsune said...

AHHH! We've been anonymously spammed!

I like my spam like like I like my spam: sealed tight in a can where it can't jump out and suprise me!

Noh Dancer said...

Kill the friggin spammer!!!!! take a hot cup of coffee and spill it right on his lap. that will teach the no good jerk.

And on subject, nice :) I laughed.

All Hail Noodle!

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Stupid spammer. I will kill you and your mother.

It's gone, folks. Thanks for the heads up.

Gordy said...

So I am sensing a lesbian tendency, that is so hot! Adrian Lima..good taste.

Eddie Izzard rocks, specially love the cats and dogs skit.

JAX said...

OMG AMWG, I love your blog. You were kind enough to comment on my lame ass blog. I am blogrolling you or whatever the right term meaning that I am adding you to my favorite links is.

I can't resist,

I like my men like I like my coffee, hazelnut with vanilla cream and don't forget the suga!

lost me said...

Hot and bitter.

Gern said...

Eddie Izzard....ah yes, my personal lord and savior, even when in drag.

"It's not quite a maneuveryet...more of a gesture, really..."

I always said, "Sweet and creamy."

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha
that cheered me up

DR68 said...

Couldn't resist, its 3:45 am here and I can't sleep, may as well try and be funny!

I like my women like I like my coffee, strong and keep me up all night.

And i unfortunately had neither tonight.

JJ said...

Hot enough to burn my crotch.

You know if I spill it. And then I can sue McDonald's for three million bucks.

The Muse said...

Yes, all hail Eddie Izzard... like ya do. ;)

LocuTus of Borg said...

Eddie Izzard who? Sorry if I offend anyone not knowing who he is.

I liked 'covered in whipped cream with a shot of chocolate' and 'Brazilian' very nice. Hot and bitter and Sweet and creamy were nice comments too ;)

I have to AMG you have quite some blog traffic at your site ... what's your secret?

Mike said...

I like my women like I like my coffee...between my legs on the drive to work.

Stupid car with no cup holders.

Storm said...

That's cute! Thank goodness I'm not a coffee drinker.

Justice said...

You have way too much fun when you go out. Those were really good.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

LocuTus - Google him! :) Or actually I blogged about him a few months ago - here.

Yer Daddy said...

...cold, weak, and transparent?

Yer Daddy said...

...in large sized cups?

t.k.smith said...

I like my women like my coffee ... something that will wake me up in the morning.

Thomas, the Retarded Monkey said...

I like my women like my coffee:

Previously handled by someone else...
Priced at about $2...
Wet...
Saturated with whiskey...
Put in the freezer if kept for more than 8 days...
Enjoyed with friends...
Always available...

Havoc!

Dirk the Feeble said...

I like my women like I like my scotch . . . 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Ruben said...

....Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey.**

Although disturbing this is how I got my ex wife to the church!!!! :-)

steven fregonese said...

lol... and this time i actually laughed out loud. This was seriously the funniest blog i've read in a long time. no joke, i laughed so hard i think i had a hernia.
-steve

mysterygirl! said...

Haha-- you're too funny.

Supermans Foot said...

I like coffee but not tea...hmm think i missed the point somewhere... stupid brits